The Science of Parenting

Talking With Children About Race and Racial Bias | Bonus

June 12, 2020
The Science of Parenting
Talking With Children About Race and Racial Bias | Bonus
Show Notes Transcript

Talking with children about race and racial bias can be challenging. Learn strategies and tips to navigate these difficult conversations.

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Lori Hayungs:

Welcome to The Science of Parenting podcast, where we connect you with research-based information that fits your family. We'll talk about the realities of being a parent and how research can help guide our parenting decisions. I'm Lori Hayungs, parent of three in and three life stages: launched, in college, and in high school. And I'm a parenting educator. And today I'm going to share with you how we can talk with children about race and racial bias. I've been thinking about all of our listeners and wondering if they, like me, have been trying to answer questions from their children about events they've seen around race, peaceful protests, and even violence. I've spent some time listening to my own children, entering into conversations with others, and sharing resources on how to manage the many emotions that we're feeling. So before starting, I want to clarify that not all children need the same level of responses based on their age and maturity. You are the expert on your child and know them best. All children are born with a unique temperament and some will be more sensitive to scary news stories or worried about their safety and the safety of their loved ones. I'd like to begin our conversation here today, highlighting some research that you too may find helpful as you and your family sort out how to process and respond to difficult questions. So let's start with this piece of research from healthychildren.org. This is a site that's sponsored by the American Academy of Pediatrics. So our question is, how do children learn racial bias? Well, research tells us that children learn about racial differences and racial bias at an early age. And they learn from their first teachers, who are their parents. They learn from their parents how to deal with and react to racial differences. The process of learning racial bias is a lot like learning a new language. For example, a child raised in a bilingual home versus a child who starts first learning a second language in junior high. While biology may determine the critical early learning period and a later window, it's oftentimes much more difficult to learn a second language later in life. So when it comes to race, here's what we know. We know that as early as six months a baby's brain can notice race-based differences. And by the ages of two to four, children can internalize racial bias. By the age of 12 years, many children become set in their beliefs, which gives parents a whole decade to mold the learning process so that it decreases racial bias and improves cultural understanding. But like language immersion, children exposed to society will gain fluency in racial bias, even if their parents do nothing. So now that we know when and where children begin to learn racial bias, we can look at this next question. How can we talk to children about racism and violence? Well, a research publication from Zero to Three, that's titled"Guidelines for Talking about Racism and Violence" provides several helpful tips. The first is to limit access to media images and discussions about frightening events. So here's the deal. Young children take in information all the time, even when we don't notice. They're able to hear and see what people around them are doing. And as they watch, they're trying to make sense of their surroundings. And children between the ages of two and five years don't really yet have the capacity to reason rationally. And so they have lots of questions about what they're experiencing, which means that parents of preschoolers have an important role in helping young children understand and make sense of what they've seen. So we need to limit our children's access to screens and keep our adult conversations guarded and essentially, be for adults only. As we learn to help reduce the worry and fear our children might otherwise experience, we're allowing their brain to be able to better deal with what they're hearing and seeing. So here's the second guideline for talking about racism and violence. We need to stay calm as we respond to our children, and this can lessen the children's fear and help them feel safe. And here's the deal, staying calm is not the same as having no emotion, staying calm while answering questions can actually help reduce our child's fear. And here's the thing, if you are upset, you can explain in a simple language to your child, why you're upset. You might say something like"I'm crying because I see that person is hurt. I feel so sad for them and their family. And I'm sad. That's why I'm crying." Children are sensitive and we need to check in with our own emotions and this will help us to rely and relay only as much information as necessary for our child's and ability to understand. So the third guideline for talking about racism and violence is to answer our children's questions, using simple language. We need to let our child know that they can come to us with any questions they have. And we aren't afraid about talking about difficult issues. This makes it more likely that the children will turn to us as a resource and not merely struggle alone with their questions. And if they stop asking questions, then we can stop providing details. Even if we haven't fully explained the situation because children actually can decide what and how much they can take in at any given time. So we really need to follow their lead since it gives us information about what they're trying to understand. So after we've answered our children's questions about race and violence, we can also begin to look at strategies that help our children deal with racial bias. And here's the thing, talking about race with our kids is incredibly important. A study outlined in the book,'Nurture Shock,' discovered that most white parents do not talk with their kids about race. They wanted their children to be"colorblind," so they do not point out skin color. However, even very young children can establish a foundation that it is okay to talk about skin color. In fact, it's very important to talk with children about skin color and acknowledge the differences. Specifically, there are three strategies that parents can use to help their children deal with racial bias. These include first talk to your children and acknowledge that racial differences and bias exist. Second, confront your own bias as a parent and model how you want your children to respond to others who may be different than them. Third, encourage your children to challenge racial stereotypes and racial bias by being kind and compassionate when interacting with people of all racial, ethnic, and cultural groups. The American Academy of Pediatrics wants us to remember that talking about race is not racist. It's okay and important. So let's break these tips down by age group, just for a moment, because as parents, we do want to be prepared to answer questions about racial differences and racism, and it's also important to keep your child's developmental readiness in mind. Let's start with the preschoolers. So for preschoolers, the ages, between two and five years. At this age, your child may begin to notice and point out differences in the people around you. For example, at the grocery store or the park, they might say,"Hey, look, that person has a different skin color than me." And it's important for you to say something like,"Isn't it wonderful we all look different!" You might even hold your arm against theirs to show the differences between your skin and your child's. Everyone is different. For grade-schoolers, that age between, oh, say six and 10 years. This is the age that it's important to have open talks with your child about race, diversity and, racism. Discussing these topics will help your child see you as a trusted source of information on the topic. And they can come to you with any questions. Point out stereotypes and racial bias that you see in media, in books, things such as villains or bad guys in the movies. If your child makes comments or asks you questions about race based on things that happen in school or something they've read or watched, make sure that you have further discussion with questions such as,"How do you feel about that?' Or"What makes you think that?" This is also helpful if your child heard something insensitive, or if your child experienced racial bias themselves. Before responding to his or her statement or question, figuring out where it came from and what it means from their perspective. So these conversations, they begin to lay the groundwork for your child to accept and respect everyone's differences and similarities. And as children mature, the answers to the questions will become much more complex. And these are moments to learn what your child understands or is struggling to understand about racial bias. As a team here at The Science of Parenting, there are a couple of opportunities and suggestions that we would like to give to you for learning about diversity. We came up with some ideas like looking for positive images of diversity in books children read. And in addition to books of fantasy, be sure to include books with realistic pictures and stories showing a variety of races and cultures. Materials children play with like dolls and art supplies can also be purchased to represent diverse skin types. Don't be afraid to talk about race as you engage in play with your child. For example,"This doll has Brown skin like our friend, Amy." You might even visit museums that feature exhibits about a variety of cultures and religions. Celebrate cultural events and even offer to attend religious services with friends of different faiths. And as children get older, help them to notice, help them to question, and help them to challenge stereotypes. Here's the thing. Remember if you don't know the answer to your child's question, that's okay. These are complex issues. It builds your child's trust in you when you are open about not always knowing the answer. I know I don't always know the answer. Another thing to remember is that your child may be upset or confused following these challenging discussions. You might need to watch for signs and cues and respond with extra support, hugs, or time together so that you're child feels secure. You might also want to point out positive, supportive members of their community. Family members, religious leaders, teachers, home visitors, physicians, and others; people who care for and nurture your child. Let your children know they have a network of people who are there for them. It takes a village to raise a child. At The Science of Parenting, we oftentimes wrap up with a piece called'your reality.' And as part of our wrap up here, we wanted to think about the possibility that your child may have witnessed violence or have seen their caregiver in tense and frightening interactions. And so we wanted to give you some ideas on what behaviors to watch for if your child has witnessed and is frightened about those events. You might see things like an increased clinginess, crying, or whining. Maybe they have a greater fear of separation from their parents or primary guardian. Maybe you're seeing an increase in aggressive behavior, or they've become more withdrawn and harder to engage with. They might even have play that acts out the scary events that they saw. You might see changes in their sleeping and eating patterns, and they may be more easily frustrated or harder to comfort. And finally, they might regress, or return to earlier behaviors such as frequent, nighttime waking, toileting accidents, or even bedwetting. And these are all signs that a child might be struggling to make sense of a scary or traumatic experience and they need some additional support. Reach to your child's healthcare provider or to a counselor who has experience with young children and plan how you might move forward with them. In the meantime. What you can do is a couple of different things. The first might be to create an environment of safety and consistency. Here's what we know. Children who've been exposed to traumatic images or experiences benefit from an environment that is safe and predictable. So regular daily routines, like at meal time or bath time and bedtime, they, they actually help children build trust and anticipate what will come next. Remember that these routines are as important to babies as they are for older children, because routines make them feel safe and secure. If possible maintain a child's school or childcare attendance. It's helpful because that offers them a familiar routine and a sense of consistency and normalcy. If you can, try to limit the changes during this time. For children having a hard time with transitions, we can offer a comfort object, like a special blanket or a stuffed animal, or even a favorite action figure to hold. What else can we do? Well, we can harness the power of positive touch. If our child is having a hard time, we might offer extra hugs, cuddles, or maybe even a massage to our child's daily bedtime routine. Deep pressure touch can help some children feel more together and regulated. A third thing that we can do is to build children up. Point out their strengths, their abilities, give them opportunities to experience success and achievements. Celebrate those milestones together. A strong sense of self and family begins with our child's relationship with you, the adult. A fourth thing that we can do is to tell the story of our family, using stories to communicate the strength, resilience, courage, humor, and intelligence of our family members. Storytelling can help us communicate values, rich heritage and traditions, and build a sense of family and cultural identity and pride. And finally, we can make time for laughter and fun. Let our child see us laugh out loud while telling a story or going about our daily routines. It's important at the same time, to be honest with our emotions. If the current tragedies are triggering memories of our own losses, we do need to be mindful of our feelings and seek support for ourself. So in summary, our team at the of parenting wants you to know that we hear you, we're listening. We're discerning and pondering some of the same questions that you are. And as we all ponder and wonder together, let us remember to also be kind and loving to one another's emotions, thoughts, and feelings. So thanks for joining us today on The Science of Parenting podcast. Remember, subscribe to our weekly audio podcast on Apple, Spotify, or your favorite podcast app. Watch the show on video each week and once a month, join us live where we take your comments and questions. Come along with us. As we tackle the ups and downs, the ins and outs and the research and reality around the science of parenting.

Anthony Santiago:

The Science of Parenting is a research-based education program hosted by Lori Hayungs and Mackenzie Johnson, produced by Mackenzie DeJong, with research and writing by Barbara Dunn Swanson. Send in questions and comments to parenting@iastate.edu and connect with us on Facebook and Twitter. This program is brought to you by Iowa State University Extension and Outreach. This institution is an equal opportunity provider. For the full non-discrimination statement or accommodation inquiries go to www.extension.iastate.edu/diversity.