I'm The Adult Here: My Regulation | S.9 Ep.2

In this week’s episode, we examine and reflect on our parenting role when it comes to regulation, self-control, and big feelings. We also look at a common wellness strategy applied specifically to parenting!

Transcript

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Lori Korthals: 0:01

Welcome to The Science of Parenting podcast, where we connect you with research based information that fits your family. I'm Lori Korthals, parent of three in two different life stages, two are launched, and one is still in high school. And I'm a parenting educator.

Mackenzie Johnson: 0:17

And I'm Mackenzie Johnson, parent of two littles with their own quirks. And I'm a parenting educator. Today we'll talk about the realities of raising a family, and how research can help guide our parenting decisions. Hey, everybody, welcome back. We're in episode two of season nine talking all about regulation here. Right?

Lori Korthals: 0:38

We are. And last week, we talked about what regulation was. We looked at how it impacts our thoughts and our emotions, our children's behaviors. Actually, I should rephrase that. We talked about how it impacts our children's thoughts, emotions, behaviors, because this week, we're talking about how it impacts our thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and how do we regulate ourselves?

Mackenzie Johnson: 1:08

Yes. And this whole idea of like, I'm the adult and now interaction with this child. Yeah, I guess I gotta regulate.

Lori Korthals: 1:18

I must be the adulting adult in this relationship.

Mackenzie Johnson: 1:22

Sometimes I need an adultier one here in this interaction. But yeah, so like, okay, parent child relationship, regulation. We talked about understanding what regulation is and how to teach it. And this week, we got to talk about it for ourselves.

Lori Korthals: 1:39

We can do it. We can, we can, and we're looking at it through this Handbook of Parenting. It's really an awesome tool chest created and edited by Mark Bornstein. And we just have been utilizing it as a way to really sift through the research so that you can apply it to your reality.

Mackenzie Johnson: 2:00

Yes, I love this book. It's such a good summary of current research on a very honed in topic. And so yeah, Dr. Wendy Grolnick and colleagues, talk about regulation. And I love it. It's awesome.

Lori Korthals: 2:13

So this was mentioned, what we're gonna do is talk about this whole idea of self-regulation and it was mentioned in the context of infants. But we're actually going to expand this idea to all children, because we really think that it does apply to all children. And the idea is that one common situation faced by parents is this need to regulate our own emotions, our own emotions, when our child is, you know, having the throwdown as Barb Dunn Swanson calls it or the child is distressed. And our emotions are immediately coming into play, and how we help the child self-regulate, really has to start with how we self regulate.

Mackenzie Johnson: 3:09

Oh, yeah, yeah. And it's unfair, honestly. It's the word that comes to mind that this is pretty specific. That's a pretty specific situation for parents. Like when I'm interacting with another adult, and my emotions or my behavior or my attitude and my thoughts start to struggle, I get dysregulated, right. I usually just have to worry about me. But when I'm a parent, I'm all dysregulated and overwhelmed, or tired, or frustrated, or whatever. And I'm experiencing that while I'm trying to regulate another human being or trying to co-regulate or trying to help them get regulated. Yeah, and that is wildly unfair, can I just say, severe disadvantage. Right and so this idea of co-regulating, regulating them

Lori Korthals: 3:57

It is a severe disadvantage because you're trying to regulate two people, you're just one and the other person. The other person is a little human being, you know, and their brain even if they're 15 or 16, their brain just isn't while we get regulated. When is that hardest for you as a done developing and so yes, in the whole world in the scheme of things, parenting and co-regulation and self-regulation is not fair because you have to learn how to parent, that idea of I gotta get mine figured out while I'm do it for both people at the same time. helping them get theirs figured out? Oh, yes. So I think of two things specifically. So if I were to say a behavior that is super hard on me when it comes to needing to self-regulate myself first, that would be like whining. You know, my ability to regulate myself goes down drastically if the child is whining. I can handle, you know, hitting, kicking, all that kind of thing, but it's the whining that suddenly my defenses are low. My tolerance bucket is empty. Yeah. You know. And then I guess the other thing is, especially when my children were younger, I did some work at home before there was this work at home stuff, right. And so if I was working at home, on the clock, and then my children were whining, I mean, that was like a double whammy. Yeah, it's a double whammy, you know, given the context of what it was that I was doing. Well, I was trying to complete my professional job. And then bring in the whining child, like self-regulation out the window. Go shoo, gone. Gone. Yeah. How about you?

Mackenzie Johnson: 5:56

Oh, mine, it's not what is hardest or when? It's Where. Where. Where it's hardest for me? In the car.

Lori Korthals: 6:11

Stuck! I can't escape!

Mackenzie Johnson: 6:12

Yes and I honestly hadn't even connected those dots. When we were talking and you and Barbara were like, well, yeah, you can't get away, you're in the car. You can't just walk away. Yes. I'm stuck literally in a seatbelt. Yeah. So in the car, and there's something about the split attention, which is kind of what you're talking about with work and whining. Yeah, if they're whining in the back seat, if my children are fighting, if they're honestly just crying because they're thirsty, which happens. How does that always happen? Um, but it's just like, stop, stop, stop, please stop. I need you to stop. The idea of getting myself regulated, even if I'm not the driver, I mean, especially if I'm the driver. But even if I'm the front passenger, yes, I just need it to stop, all of it. And so getting me calmed and regulated enough to help them and I also can't physically hold them. No, I lose some of the strategies I would normally lean into. Oh, yes. I hadn't thought of that until right now. But yes. So in the car, it's really hard for me to do the co-regulation. And yeah, especially, even if it's not co-regulating together, it's hard for me to just regulate me even. Yeah, so again, the sound.

Lori Korthals: 7:33

When you made that sound where you went. And immediately I was like, oh, that's right. Barb said, it's like having to put your mask on first in the airplane before you can help others. Yeah, that was exactly what you just did. Like, I don't know how to even put my mask on in the car so that I can help my children. Right? Yes.

Mackenzie Johnson: 7:58

Yeah, out the window, like the physical car window is gone with the wind, that self-regulation. But I have strategies I can dive into. Put that in my mind. I have

Lori Korthals: 8:12

But you're right. You just got a good drawer full of strategies taken away, because you have to be in your strategies. seat belt, they have to stay in their car seats.

Mackenzie Johnson: 8:20

Oh my gosh, you guys, I'm unpacking a lot today. A lot is happening for me.

Lori Korthals: 8:26

Here's another piece of research. Another piece of research basically tells us that our emotional regulation is

Mackenzie Johnson: 8:30

Yes.

Lori Korthals: 8:32

So if I want to teach them to be calm, cool and influenced by our child's development, in terms of how do they learn to regulate? How do they learn to regulate? They're watching us. How do they learn to regulate? They're interacting with us. How do they learn to regulate? They're in this environment and they're feeling the environment. Okay. So again, we go back to that idea of we the parent, we're in charge of two people's regulation, because the child is watching us. We influence them. We raise our voice, they raise theirs. They're watching how we behave. We, you know, kick the foot of the couch, they kick the foot of the couch, right? We dropped that four letter word, they dropped that four letter word collected when I say no, I have to be calm, cool and collected and so our regulation is being observed. We are modeling regulation. They are mirroring our regulation. And so again, like you said, it's totally unfair because if I want to teach them, I've got to do it first. when someone tells me no, when they tell me no. No. I will not lose my cool when my child says no.

Mackenzie Johnson: 10:03

Because I'm supposed to tell them and model when I tell them no. Yeah, I am. I'm lost in my own bubble for a second because I'm thinking about, it wasn't last night, within the last week. The squabbling, you know, my kids are like picking each other about something and they start yelling. They yank the toy from opposite directions or whatever it is. And me yelling, stop yelling! I'm like, oh, the modeling, the modeling. That's all right. It's not about perfection, right? Not about perfection, because none of us would be getting it. But But yeah, that we affect our kids even when, you know, sometimes we're being proactive about teaching them how to regulate. But even when we're not consciously teaching, that modeling, that RPM three from season four. So that was one of the ends is modeling, because intentional or not, they're picking up on that from us. Yeah. And it's a big part, especially emotion regulation. You yell, stop yelling. It all comes through.

Lori Korthals: 11:19

It does.

Mackenzie Johnson: 11:20

So I told Lori, what you say is part two, research number two is the modeling portion. I have research tidbit two and a half. And that's Patterson tells us which is, Golsnick is the one who's citing Patterson, a child dysregulated behavior can be increased, and maybe even reinforced by maladaptive parenting. So aka maladaptive, terminology. In other words, we need to be regulated so that we can practice those positive discipline strategies we looked at last season. And we talked about last season when we're talking about positive discipline, that it takes a lot of effort. Absolutely. That must be whatever effortfull means, Lori.

Lori Korthals: 12:09

Effortfull control.

Mackenzie Johnson: 12:13

But effortfull It takes a lot of effort to practice positive discipline and when we're not regulated, it's hard to keep regulated sometimes, but when we're not regulated, we can be accidentally reinforcing behavior we don't like. Absolutely. And so I thought that was interesting, the modeling we do is one way we teach, but even just the idea of accidentally reinforcing because we weren't conscious enough, almost.

Lori Korthals: 12:47

We were caught off guard.

Mackenzie Johnson: 12:48

And so yeah, it can, it can accidentally reinforce and we talked about that behavior reaction cycle. And there's one season, what season was it, where in our intro every episode, we talked about, it's bi-directional.

Lori Korthals: 13:03

Oh, yes. I don't know. That's our producers' job to tell us those things. She'll tell us.

Mackenzie Johnson: 13:10

She'll tell us. But you know, we talked about parenting is bi-directional, and that I affect my kids and my kids affect me. Yeah. And so we know, there's just a lot that comes into this idea of regulating our own behaviors as parents. There's a lot of context, there's a lot of requirements, there's a lot of pressure. And you know what, sometimes there's a lot of people, right? Oh, my goodness, two children feels like a lot of people to be in charge of their regulation.

Lori Korthals: 13:34

What did I say last time, all my children. Yeah, I only have three.

Mackenzie Johnson: 13:41

I don't know, sometimes it feels like a lot.

Lori Korthals: 13:43

It's not a gaggle. Yeah.

Mackenzie Johnson: 13:46

So in keeping with this theme of, okay, I'm the adult here, right? I'm the parent. So I've got to find ways to think about getting regulated. We want to talk a little bit about being regulated or dysregulated across those different ways, right? We talked about behavior regulation, emotion regulation, and thought regulation or attitude, cognition being the formal term. And so we want to give some examples of what it looks like to regulate or not regulate those things.

Lori Korthals: 14:16

Okay, so you start, you start.

Mackenzie Johnson: 14:18

Okay. Okay. Well, I will say I like to do the behavior one. Okay. I feel like that one's tangible. That one's tangible. And so I would say that regulating behavior or being dysregulated in our parenting behaviors could include things like harsh words or kind words. When we're regulated, that means to alter based on the context, based on the situation, right? And so using kind words or harsh words can be affected by our regulation. Another one is what type of discipline we choose. Do we use something like physical punishment versus teaching kids what we want them to do? Right? That takes a very conscious flip, we have to be regulated. That takes a lot of upstairs brain.

Lori Korthals: 15:07

Yes.

Mackenzie Johnson: 15:08

XXXAnd then another one. Season One season one, yeah. Throwback. But then, you know, another one that I thought of in terms of things that we do when it comes to regulation is even just tapping out to another adult. When we're dysregulated, that could be a strategy for us. But just recognizing, when I choose to do that, that can be me choosing to alter my behavior, me choosing to be in control of my behavior, rather than letting it get out of my control. Yes. So what about a few more examples in another area?

Lori Korthals: 15:45

Okay, so those were all behavior. So really legitimately things that you could see or hear yourself as a parent do to create regulation? Okay, so I will do cognition or thinking. And I liked how you said that could also be your attitude. So, yeah, to self regulate, to keep myself regulated as I'm thinking about modeling these to my children. I think the first thing that really comes to mind for me is this idea that I want to reframe, I want to reframe, in terms of wow, you are feeling very angry right now. Yeah, I can tell that you are having those really big emotions versus me saying, stop yelling. Okay. So I'm reframing this idea of, you have this big emotion, stop being naughty. We sometimes hear that word naughty. Right. So throw that word out and reframe it and say, you know, wow, I can really tell that you are frustrated right now. Because you're using you're hurting hands.

Mackenzie Johnson: 17:02

I heard the phrase, you're a good person having a hard time. Yes. Instead of you're naughty. I heard that one the other day.

Lori Korthals: 17:08

Yes. Yes. You're a good person having a hard time. You could say something reframing, I don't like it when your hands hurt other people. Yeah. Right. I still think you're a great kid. I know you have some awesome talents and abilities, but right now your hands are hurting other people. So the idea of reframing, and then again, I'm really big into that whole developmental mindset of, what skills do they actually have? And what are my expectations? Right, so that developmentally, am I expecting something of them that they actually can do? So I have to self regulate my thinking by saying, wow, is it really an expectation? Should I actually think that my one year old can share? No, okay, so I need to regulate myself from whatever kind of thing I was going to do, pull the toy away, whatever, and just say, Well, you know, what, Lori? Developmentally, they're just one. The whole idea of sharing, that's a big person thing that needs to happen.

Mackenzie Johnson: 18:19

Yes. And that's you aligning your mindset, your attitude, your cognition with the situation, which is, I have a one year old.

Lori Korthals: 18:28

Exactly. I have a one year old. And then honestly, I think that my intensity level is less intense when it comes to temperament. And so there was a lot of children's behaviors that I could ignore, because my temperament didn't run as hot. It doesn't run as hot. Yeah. And so ignoring is a way that I completely use all the time to regulate my thinking. I'm just going to ignore it. They're trying to get my attention. I'm not going to give them attention for negative behavior. I choose to align and ignore this behavior. Yeah. And I do attribute that to my less intense temperament. I can ignore bad behavior like you wouldn't believe.

Mackenzie Johnson: 19:27

Yes. And so those are ways you are, you're like aligning your thought process or your mindset or your attitude. Like, I'm gonna align it to what's appropriate for the situation. You're in control of it rather than it's dysregulated. And it's in control.

Lori Korthals: 19:42

Exactly. Yeah. And I should say, I can ignore those annoying behaviors.

Mackenzie Johnson: 19:51

And there's a difference as parents, I mean, honestly, our values kind of decide this like Barb said last week, but that was what is annoying versus what needs to be addressed? Exactly. But that ignoring can be a helpful strategy. Exactly. Yeah, absolutely. But it can take cognitive, like I'm ignoring this, I'm ignoring this, I'm ignoring this.

Lori Korthals: 20:11

I'm smiling, my throat, chin, jaw and shoulders are all relaxed. I'm ignoring you. Third category.

Mackenzie Johnson: 20:22

All right, that leaves emotional regulation. And so I actually just wanted to give a few examples of what that looks like with different kinds of emotions. So I think we tend to think of some of the negative ones but we want to start with some positive ones. You know, we talk about excitement. As a parent, sometimes, it's like, okay, don't look at them, they're doing it, don't look, don't look, don't look, right? I even think that one of the first times my kids, my kids were pretty shy, and so venturing out to play with another kid on their own. It was like, they're doing it, they're doing it. Okay. Play it cool, play it cool. But that is me regulating emotion. If I want to support this behavior, I need to regulate that. Yeah. I also think of even like, pride. Sometimes we're so proud of our kids. And sometimes we need to almost delay expressing that. I think with teens or our older kids who maybe might feel a little more embarrassed of something like that. You might be like, okay, I'm going to tell them later. I'm not gonna make a big fuss about it. I think of like, the yelling at graduation. Oh, some of my siblings would have been horrified if we had done that to them. But with different ones we could. And then there are things like anger. Sometimes, I am so mad in this moment, and I need to choose to, you know, delay it or find a way to suppress it. You know, but figuring out what does it mean? How do we need to align that with the situation? Exactly. And the other emotion that I thought of in parenting was fear. Whoo. Yeah. You know, a lot of us are like, my mom's worst nightmare, Dad's worst nightmare, you know, if something scary is happening to their kids. And, you know, how do we regulate that? So if our kids make a choice that feels super unsafe? Yeah. Sometimes our fear, that emotion of fear is what's dysregulated when we react so huge, because we're terrified of what could have happened. You know, but so there's different ways that we regulate emotion sometimes, right? Sometimes we delay it, sometimes we suppress it. You know, and sometimes we need to like, okay, I need to feel something. Right. I need to respond a little bit. Absolutely. So it can be different. But there's all kinds of different ways. Right? So when we're talking about this regulation as parents, behavior, cognition, and emotion, lots of different ways to do it.

Lori Korthals: 22:55

And it makes me again, go back to the title. I'm the adult here.

Mackenzie Johnson: 22:59

I'm the adult here.

Lori Korthals: 23:01

I'm the adult here.

Mackenzie Johnson: 23:02

Kinda rude that that happened to me somehow. But yeah, adult here.

Lori Korthals: 23:08

Yeah, well, what are some strategies that we can use when it comes to these?

Mackenzie Johnson: 23:14

Yes. And so all those different kinds of regulation. And there's actually one strategy in the literature, across all kinds of literature not just parenting, that really fits into this idea of regulation. And that is mindfulness. So we can use that as a strategy to self-regulate. There's different definitions based on what you're looking at. But it's basically, the awareness of yourself. This can be physically, emotionally. It can be an awareness of yourself or of other people, right? It can even just be about being present, mentally present. And so there is research back in the 90s that says that mindfulness can improve the relationship that we have with our kids. And if parents practice mindfulness, it can improve our relationship. And so they have this idea of being mindful of our behavior, of our attitude, of our thoughts, of our emotions.

Lori Korthals: 24:15

I love that. So when I think of mindfulness, it used to be kind of scary, because I thought, oh, I don't know. I'm not very good at meditating.

Mackenzie Johnson: 24:26

Hmm. Yeah. Like the formal practice, right?

Lori Korthals: 24:29

Yeah. And so then I had to kind of relearn that that's not what it really means. What it means is you just came back into recognizing where you're at this very moment. So I don't know about you, but I can get totally lost in thought and not hear anything around me. Yes, at times. Especially in the middle of a really long story that a child may be telling me and I might start thinking about dinner or the email or..., right? And so, the act of simply recognizing I'm thinking about dinner and she just told me something about her friend, Sally. And now I'm going to ask her well, what was that? You know, just that act of recognizing, I was missing for a second and coming back to it. That's mindfulness. Yes, that's mindfulness.

Mackenzie Johnson: 25:22

It can be that simple. Yeah, one that I've been kind of proactively working on is being more, you know, people say savor every moment. Okay, I don't savor every moment, not all of them. But one that I have been trying to be more, I think I like the term like mindfully aware. Rather than mindfulness, I don't know. Yeah, I do practice meditation We can, we can. So this season, we are talking about regulation. from time to time to kind of clear my head. But for my parenting, it's more about like, I'm going to be present in this moment. And sometimes it's even as simple as like, what are the sensory experiences I'm having? Oh, so like, mine has been like snuggling my kids at bedtime. So like, it's not every day, it's not all the time. But my son still wants to sit in the chair with me. So I'm thinking that like, he's warm, there's a little drool on my shoulder, probably, if I'm honest. But it's warm. It's the pressure and their head just fits so good on your shoulder. And even like laying with my daughter when she gets ready for bed, maybe like smelling the conditioner in her hair. And so I've just been working on, even if it's just for five seconds, I'm really working on these moments won't last forever. These are the kinds of moments, I won't savor all of them, but this is one where I can be mindfully present of like, oh, this is sweet when we do this? Yes. It's that's simple. Yes. Aware. Yeah. It's aware, exactly. And it's cognitive. It's what I'm choosing to give my attention to, what I'm choosing to give my attention to. So that's just a simple strategy because we're the adult here, we've got to find ways to regulate our thoughts. And I love the ideas you gave around cognition. Because I do think that one's We've shared that with you. But what we're going to also do this sometimes hard to understand. Yes, and those are really good examples. So I'm excited. We can practice mindfulness this week.

Lori Korthals: 27:20

We're the adult here. Still. season is bring our writer Barbara Dunn Swanson in because she kind of has, I love what Mackenzie said last week, a sweet spot for regulation. And so we just invite Barb back in this week during our Stop. Breathe. Talk. time to share a little bit with you all who are listening or watching about us, the adult having to regulate Still.

Barb Dunn Swanson: 27:56

And what's good about that is what we always put first and foremost when we start with The Science of Parenting is parents are the first educators of their children. Right? And as that first educator then they take on that enormous responsibility of getting regulated first. So I'm going to follow up with you a little bit with a little bit of that research that Grolnick and her colleagues put forth. And you've mentioned it already, but then I'm gonna see if I can ask you maybe for an example or two from your experiences. So the research talks about four specific things that if we as adults will practice, our children will be more likely to internalize and be able to begin to self-regulate. Okay. Okay. So one of the points is the environment. What's something in your environment that you could change that would help your child to regulate better? Is there something that you may have done in the past?

Mackenzie Johnson: 29:22

Oh, turn off the TV.

Lori Korthals: 29:25

Ding, ding, ding.

Mackenzie Johnson: 29:27

That's something in my environment that affects my regulation and my child's is when there's the extra sound, the TV sometimes.

Lori Korthals: 29:35

Yeah, wherever whatever the noise is coming from, yes. What is it, turn off the radio so I can see better? Yeah.

Barb Dunn Swanson: 29:43

You're in the car and you turn the radio off so you can see. Okay, here's another one - warmth. How do you show maybe additional warmth in the heat of the moment, when you both may be feeling dysregulated. What is a way or a strategy you can show warmth?

Lori Korthals: 30:12

Okay, so I really sometimes make it a practice to think about my hands being down at my side, or my palms being up. So that it's a subtle, a subtle cue of I'm open to what you're saying, I embrace what you're saying. So my arms might be down a little bit apart, my palms might be up and I might be inside going, oh, my goodness, I cannot believe what they're saying. But my palms and my arms are open to say, I'm open to warm conversation with you. How about that?

Mackenzie Johnson: 30:52

I love that. That's so funny you mentioned your hands

Barb Dunn Swanson: 30:53

Thank you. because mine is like, okay, driver's ed teachers of the world don't listen, because I'm in the car again. But I will literally sometimes reach back, like reach back to my daughter's seat and just hold her hand. Like, I can't think, I can't talk to you. I can tell you're having a hard time. And just for a minute, that's what I can offer. And you know, not always in the car. Sometimes it's just like, you're having a hard time and I offered to hold your hand, or to help you up. So just like a little physical touch sometimes is how we offer that extra warmth. Love those explanations. Okay. Here's another one. Involvement. Again, we're looking at the research tells us these things I'm pointing out here, if we do these with our children, more likely they are to be able to regulate, and internally regulate. So involvement, how do you get more involved? Or what can you do that allows them to be involved?

Lori Korthals: 32:05

I was a Girl Scout troop leader for a while. Yeah. I think that gave me plenty of opportunity to model self-regulation to the girls. When there were all 12 of the little Brownies around selling cookies. Yes. Right. Yeah, I think that when you're involved with their activities and things they like to do, you're modeling how to self-regulate when the tower falls down and knocks your, you know, broken toe, right?

Mackenzie Johnson: 32:39

Whatever it is, whatever. See, and I didn't even think involvement, activities like being your kids' coach or whatever. I immediately was just like, being involved in the routines of the day of even just like the transportation. We get you to and from or helping you get dressed, making sure you brush your teeth. I think I see the involvement in those kinds of daily things, or even the rituals of bedtime, right? Just sometimes being physically a part of that, because those are big parts of my kids' day while they're little.

Barb Dunn Swanson: 33:19

Mackenzie brings up such a good point. And that is that you might not have thought of that because of where your children are developmentally. Lori's kids are older. And so her life experiences reminded her of those times as a leader. And then your children are still needing the kind of care and support that you provide daily,

Mackenzie Johnson: 33:42

I have one, okay. I would say like empathy which might be more of those at home kinds of needs. And so thank you for reminding us that all of these things are dependent upon where our children are at developmentally. Right? And then the last one, and this one's really, I think, easy to say, but hard to specify, because we think we were doing it all the time. But caring. Let's say this, when we're in the midst of something that is really difficult, like a big emotion, it might be really difficult to show additional caring, but that's when our kids need it the most. Because we don't want to leave them feeling like I don't like you as a person. I may not like the behavior that I see right now. I may not like the words you chose right now. Yes, but I like you as a child of mine. What additional caring support could you show when you need to? and validation of the reason my child is doing something. And so you know, I talk all about hitting, that's still happening. But understanding you were wanting my attention, you were wanting to be playful. You want that back, you're mad, right? And so whether it's hitting or something else, but like, validating and being like, you know, it is really hard. My daughter is really into fairness right now. You know what, you're right. It's not fair that I always get to choose. It's not fair that I always choose which direction the car goes, that is unfair. But validating that like, you're right, and that the reasoning is valid, even if the behavior is not acceptable. Yeah. So that's one way I feel like showing caring in the midst

Lori Korthals: 35:46

So I was thinking, I'm thinking of of it. sporting events, when children maybe are on the losing end, or they didn't get the spot that they wanted, they didn't get to play as much, and you as the parent recognize that, you know, you heard their attitude on the bench, or you saw that they were really struggling and the shots weren't going in and so they were replaced. And so that whole idea of caring a little extra, you know, even when it is totally valid. Yeah. You know, they missed curfew and they just lost these privileges. And so, you know what, I'm gonna show I care a little bit more by you want to play a card game? I know you're in lockdown. Yeah. Let's play cards.

Mackenzie Johnson: 36:58

Yes. Yeah. I think kind of the theme of like, sometimes we've just got to show up in these moments with them. Yeah. And that's the caring. That's the involvement, that's all of them is just showing up, I think is so powerful for our kids. Yes.

Lori Korthals: 37:14

Yes.

Barb Dunn Swanson: 37:15

That was such a good way to describe that, just showing up. And so really, what we know is that when those young people know what our values are, they're watching the behaviors that we as adults model. And then you know what happens? They see that as a way for them to respond going forward. So I love the ideas that you gave, and I think it just helps us see that we have to take responsibility first. It's like what we talked about in last season, or maybe the temperament season, when we say yeah, if we're going to look at why their temperament is the way they are. Okay, genetically, they're from us.

Mackenzie Johnson: 38:05

Right, let's grab a mirror.

Barb Dunn Swanson: 38:07

Yeah, we have to look back and say, okay, yes. What part do I play in this and in terms of regulation, we can play a huge role and it can be really positive. You've pointed that out, you talk about how you can reframe the way we express ourselves so that kids see things as positive rather than negative. And so I'm going to be enjoying seeing what our next topic will be because, again, regulation is this huge topic. And I know there's just more to unpack. So thanks for letting me be part of this session, and we'll look forward to what's coming up.

Mackenzie Johnson: 38:48

Yes, Barb. Thanks so much, Barb. I'll say that was fun. That was fun. We never know, when they're coming in, we literally don't know what they're gonna say.

Lori Korthals: 39:00

No, we don't know. That was kind of fun. We do often try to say well, you know, you could say this when you do that Stop. Breathe. Talk.

Mackenzie Johnson: 39:06

And every once in a while they'll do it. But not even once a season.

Lori Korthals: 39:11

Oftentimes, they do their own thing.

Mackenzie Johnson: 39:13

But yeah, that was fun, Barb. Thank you. And it's a nice way to kind of wrap up thinking about this idea of how we, as the adults, must regulate first understanding that regulation. You know, we learned the last episode, that it's really about aligning our behavior, or controlling ourselves across our behavior and our emotion and our cognition in a way that makes sense for the context or the situation, particularly with our kids. And so we do that with our modeling, whether that's intentional or not, right? And we impact each other. So we have a lot of opportunity and responsibility as parents when it comes to regulation.

Lori Korthals: 39:51

We do. Well, thanks for joining us this week on The Science of Parenting podcast and remember to check out our blog posts written by our teammate, Barb Dunn Swanson that go along with each episode on the scienceofparenting.org.

Mackenzie Johnson: 40:06

Yes, please do come along with us as we tackle the ups and downs, the ins and outs and, the research and reality all around The Science of Parenting.

Anthony Santiago: 40:15

The Science of Parenting is hosted by Lori Korthals and Mackenzie Johnson, produced by Mackenzie DeJong, with research and writing by Barbara Dunn Swanson. Send in questions and comments to parenting@iastate.edu and connect with us on Facebook and Twitter. This institution is an equal opportunity provider. For the full non-discrimination statement or accommodation inquiries go to www.extension.iastate.edu/diversity/ext