The Science of Parenting

What Have We Learned? | Ep. 12

May 28, 2020 Iowa State University Extension and Outreach Season 1 Episode 12
The Science of Parenting
What Have We Learned? | Ep. 12
Show Notes Transcript

We went live on Facebook where we discussed the first season of The Science of Parenting podcast, parenting foundations, and what we have learned!

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Send us an email: parenting@iastate.edu.
Find us on Facebook or Twitter: @scienceofparent.

This institution is an equal opportunity provider. For the full non-discrimination statement or accommodation inquiries, go to www.extension.iastate.edu/diversity/ext

Mackenzie:

Hey guys!

Lori:

We made it.

Mackenzie:

We're here, well, I'm here, Lori's in a, still here, but in a different spot than usual. But here.

Lori:

Here we are. Yes, here we are. We are here. I sometimes wish that people could be with us the few moments before we go live. I mean like that's the real us, right? This is, this is real us too, but...

Mackenzie:

We're like whispering to each other like "What's the time? 14... 14... no, it's almost 15. It's going to change. 15."

Lori:

All right , so we made it. Here we are . Let's get it started.

:

Yes. So we always start our lives by talking about our beliefs on The Science of Parenting. We have three main beliefs we always like to share. The first being is that we have a pluralistic approach to parenting, which basically just means we believe there's more than one way to raise great kids. So trust parents to do the right things. Second, we believe that our job is to provide research-based, trustworthy information, but we know that parents are the experts on their families and their kids. So you get to decide how you use the information that we share with your family. And our third belief is that we're parenting educators and the reality is that some parent-child relationships might require additional support. And that's okay. We encourage you to seek out those professionals locally.

Lori:

Absolutely. And we do have a couple of ground rules that we like to share at the beginning of our live episodes as well. Our first one is that this is a judgment free zone. So we are not going to blame or shame anyone and that includes ourselves. Alright . No blaming or shaming yourself as a parent. We are in a judgment free zone. Also, we want to keep our own comments focused on the reality that we know. So just, you know , remember that your reality is different from your neighbor's reality is different from your sibling's reality. And so as we talk through things in our live episodes, just kind of remember that all of our realities are different. And then my favorite, can I have a favorite? That we as hosts reserve the right to uh , pass on certain personal questions.

Mackenzie:

We'll share quite a bit of ourselves, but maybe save just like a few things.

Lori:

We will. And then I'd like to invite Kenzie DeJong in and share with you some of our logistics for our live episode.

Mackenzie D:

Hello everyone. Welcome to our third live. Just a quick reminder, if you haven't been with us live before, we do have live captioning available, so that means that you might be seeing things as a delay even on this one. We might've had a little, a bit of a delay to get started, but I don't want to worry the podcast host about that. We're good now that we have live captioning. So you should be able to see that. If you don't, I like to say the little gear dude, I've said that three times in a row. Now there's a little here, dude, or the three dots. You should be able to turn your ear close captioning on. Most of the time it just pops up automatically. But if not, it is their live captions . So we think our captioner for that. Um , if you have any technical questions , um, all of that, just feel free to send us a message on Facebook or chat on side's parenting Facebook page. Um, and please comment, share, chat, everything on that Facebook page and on that Facebook live post so we can get, get things rolling and have lots of questions for these ladies to answer at the end. So that's all I would say. That's kind of the best part of the live right, that instead of waiting, you're like, okay, I heard that episode. I wanted to ask them this. You get to ask us in real time. Exactly.

Mackenzie:

All right , well, Hey, that's just a little bit to kind of get us rolling. Uh , and of course we always like to start with our intro , um , via official that you're used to hearing on a podcast episode or seeing the official welcome to the science of parenting podcast where we connect you with research based information that fits your family. We're going to talk about the realities of being a parent and how research can help guide our parenting decisions. I'm Mackenzie Johnson, parent of two littles with their own quirks and I'm a parenting educator.

Lori:

And I'm Lori Hayungs and I am the parent of three in three different life stages. One is launched, one is in college and one is still in high school and I'm also a parenting educator and today we are wrapping up season one. I can't believe it. And I think maybe that's why we were a little extra silly maybe behind the scenes when you couldn't see us, but we've been taught talking about parenting foundations and how the parenting foundations really give us that groundwork to stand upon. And we are equally as excited for the upcoming seasons because we've started to lay this foundation and we thank you for your comments and the emails we've gotten. We know that you're sharing our podcast because you're also seeing this ground being built and a way to strengthen our parenting. So we want to thank you, but we can believe season one is done today, but we want , we have a lot to share yet today. So let's just get to it.

Mackenzie:

We do, we do. Well, I do want to be an nostalgic for just like one minute we were like talking to someone about like what are we proud of? What feels good? So I do want to ask , um, and actually I'll ask Lori , but I would love to see people share in the comments too . What stood out to you about season one? Right. We've had, you know, a lot of episodes and covered some different topics. What's, what stood out for you?

Lori:

So while you're typing, I'm going to share what stood out with me. And sometimes Mackenzie likes to refer to my parenting as I've had lots of experience. Well, honestly that's only because my children are older. As your children grow, you will have lots of experience as well. And so what stood out to me was probably some of my most favorite tools that I was able to share finally with others. And so these were the tools of brain development and just understanding how sometimes my child's brain was different from what I expected and different from what I expected out of her sibling. And so that whole brain development, I was very excited to share that. And then of course, my very favorite tool to use is the chart with the acceptable behaviors and the unacceptable behaviors and that middle part. Yeah. That ignoring. Right. So I've been so excited to finally be able to share that with a wider audience. So that's mine. How about yours?

Mackenzie:

Yeah, I, you know, we have this research and reality that we're always looking at and I honestly think like, okay, ended up season one, like I'm sentimental. But I think the thing that's really stood out for me is I've had some of this head knowledge, you know, most of what we've shared this season is stuff we've maybe learned in our education and training. But like the way we've done season one has really given me a chance to be intentional and dive into these things in my own parenting. You know, and shared that story in one of the previous podcasts about snack. Uh, how when my daughter came home from childcare every day, it was this big thing. It's like, okay, maybe I need to change what I'm doing. And , uh, but us doing these podcasts has really given me that chance to dive into those things. And just in a really, I mean it's kind of on the nose to say, but in a very foundational way, you know, like what do I believe about how I parent and how I treat my kids and how I make decisions. And so it's just been, it's been so good to dive into that and make decisions around that.

Lori:

And it's been fun to watch you dive into that while at the same time believing in yourself. Like, I do know what I , I am making the right decisions for my family. So I love, I love watching. I love that.

Mackenzie:

It's fun. Should we get into some research? Yeah, let's do the research or mostly recapping some of those big highlights that we've had in season one that we thought were really the groundwork to understanding , you know, that kind of holds up our parenting choices. So the first one is about how parents are using parenting information. So that study from zero to three in 2016 told us that 69% of parents say if they knew more parenting strategies, they'd use them. But despite that, over half of parents say that they aren't getting the support they need in times of stress. So parents want more strategies and they don't feel like the things to support them.

Lori:

They do. And that's why we're doing the podcast . That's why we're sharing. We knew that there were parents who had these ideas and needs and thoughts and we knew that, I mean, part of what extension is all about the extension system. And and across this nation, every, every state has an Extension and an Extensions are there to see a need, find a need and fill a need. And that's what, that's what we wanted to do at The Science of Parenting was knowing the research said parents want information. We knew that we could find a way to get them the right research for their own reality.

Mackenzie:

And sharing it with you in a way that you in a way that lets you choose. Right? And that's a part of what we believe in Extension is that our job is to bring that trustworthy research out across the whole state. That's why there's an Extension office in every county, you know? And so we want to share it with you. And I was just in a way that you can hear it and make decisions for yourself.

Lori:

Exactly, exactly. Love that. And then I know that this second research bullet that we have here is one of your favorites, right? We were , we get more than one favorite here. We make the rules, right? So this is Baumrind and the outlining of the three parenting styles, authoritative, authoritarian and permissive. And what research tells us, and what we talked about in our episode was that authoritative parents are both appropriately demanding and responsive. And 2013 study found that authoritative parenting consistently leads to more positive outcomes for children. So essentially what we do as parents matter, and luckily the research helps break down the concepts pretty simply. You know, if we have appropriate expectations and positive outcomes, then we know that between the expectations and the boundaries, the outcomes are more positive. We show them lots of love and warmth while at the same time creating those boundaries and those guidelines. And yeah, that research helps us believe that.

Mackenzie:

Oh yeah. And I love one of the reasons this is my favorite. One, I think it's, there's so much research out there in parenting, you know, like this decision and this decision, you know, you can get into the nitty gritty of each thing. But I think this is just, I mean, again, foundational, right? It gives us the spectrum of do I have appropriate boundaries and expectations of my child and am I able to meet their needs? You know? And so it gives us this place to land when it comes to the wide variety of the millions, it feels like even within one day of the decisions we might make about our , like for our kids, with our kids. And I just , I love it so much. I love the parenting styles.

Lori:

Well, this maybe seems like inappropriate place to check in with Kenzie and see if there have been any comments to your first question, which was what were some of the things that you took away from season one?

Mackenzie:

So yeah, we love the parenting style . Well , I love the parenting styles and getting to practice the reality. What have other people said that love,

Mackenzie D:

Hi guys, this is live. You guys are good. My internet just crashed. Barb said we're good. So it's working. So if anyone wants to , wants to know what kind of stress we go through, my internet is crashed. So that's fun, but it's hard to go with it. It's also good to know if the internet crashes, you still get content because these guys are still live. So I did not get anything typed because I was dealing with that. But there was some comments. Some people said that , uh , somebody said they liked the segments on brain development. Um, we have a comment that you've really made the connection between where you search in reality, which we love, right? Because that's our whole goal is that , that putting those two together , uh, the grammar analogy for stop, breathe, talk, it's that. And I know, okay, okay, I'm gonna be like , okay fine. Things relate to people in different ways. So I think that's something we'll keep in mind as we go forward is that we might think of different ways to put this together or if you guys think of a different way, you are gonna like think about something, tell us cause we want to share that kind of information.

Lori:

So that reminds me that we have had some really great comments back about how people are utilizing the podcast to help, especially during this, you know, covid19 and physical distance scene. And we've heard that people have been utilizing the podcast recordings for parenting classes. They have their parents listen to the podcast and then they have an online meeting and they talk about the content and share. And, gosh, that is, that is really exciting because that's what we want is to be able to, you know, keep, keep parents available and have this information right at their fingertips when they need it. So we appreciate those comments. Well, okay, then I'm going to move on to our next research information that we pulled out. And this leads right into what someone's comment was about brain development. So another resource from Zero to Three. Obviously you also, if you followed us know that we kind of like this resource. So Zero to Three tells us that there's sometimes a disconnect between what parents believe their children can do and that realistic ability of their brain development, especially when it comes to the self control mastery , uh , we sometimes have this expectation gap between what we think our children should be able to master and what they actually can do. And that gap causes a lot of frustration for parents. Um , but also by the way, it causes a lot of frustration for children too. So sometimes these unrealistic expectations just are not in line with their developmental abilities. Um, I think you have a story for us, Mackenzie .

Mackenzie:

Okay. So can I say these are all my favorite things? Like I love this moment . I think for me having the term expectation gap, like the strategy of asking myself is what I'm expecting of my child realistic with like what they are actually able to do. And so actually as we were chatting through this episode yesterday and talking about the expectation gap, I love that term. Like I said , um, but as we were chatting through this, I was talking about in the morning, I shared on other podcasts mornings like getting out the door is hard for us. We have two littles and just getting there. And a lot of times there's challenges. We have challenging moments in the morning related to getting dressed like our preschooler wants to stay in pajamas, doesn't want to get going. And yesterday, literally in the midst of our Science Parenting conversation, I kind of realized like, you know, we could probably, I could probably get rid of or reduce some of the challenge by re-adjusting our expectations. So oftentimes kind of what the norm is is as we help get the kids ready, I'm maybe a little more focused on my younger one, right. Requires more in routines and the feeding and the changing and the getting dressed. And so I'm like, okay, go get dressed. Like I tell my older daughter, go get dressed, like go get dressed and I feel like we've set things up, you know, might have this clothes sitting out and stuff. And , and then she's like, no, I don't want to get dressed or no I can't. And he's like, okay, step back. Is it realistic that my daughter, who her natural temperament in the morning, what she wants is connection. Like she wants to be with us, she wants to be with her brother. And so it's not that she can't get dressed, but to expect that every day she can go to her room, get herself dressed and come back in three minutes, totally dressed and ready to go. No. Especially like the nights she was up too late or you know, she didn't sleep so good. Or it's like, okay, checking that expectation that not realistic to expect that of my three-year-old every single day.

Lori:

This is where we had that , that overlay of that voiceover "expectation gap," right?

Mackenzie:

Expectation gap. And I'm like, every time I identify these in one of the podcasts, you guys need to play that. Like I can't see , found another expectation because I do, I think this tool is really powerful for me as a parent to check in that challenging moment we're having, you know, it's so easy to be like, well, if my daughter would just, or if my son would just, if I, if I would just, you know, like if I would check my expectations, are they realistic to what my child is able to be right now? I could eliminate a lot of frustration by keeping those in check.

Lori:

Um , definitely and, and frustration was another place where we landed on in a whole episode of, and the research that we brought to that talk to about the upstairs and the downstairs brain. And I love how Siegel and Bryson, the authors of the book, The Whole Brain Child explain that concept of, you know, the, it's like a two story house. So the upstairs brain is where that logical functioning happens, you know, the thinking and um, those , those processes that, you know , keep, keep us moving, right? And then the downstairs brain is those basic functions. So breathing and blinking, even and impulse control. And so when we are frustrated, all that stuff has happening down in our downstairs brain. And so upstairs where all the thinking and ha is happening is, you know , lights are out upstairs, all the lights are on downstairs and the emotions are down there. And the thing that we have to remember, and one of my favorite pieces about this is that not only can our children be in their downstairs brain, sometimes developmentally the whole upstairs isn't quite done right. Their whole upstairs isn't quite finished. So they spend a lot more time in their downstairs brain in those emotions. But as adults, gosh, we still have that stairway down to the downstairs brain. And you know, sometimes some of us, we fly down that stairway really, really fast. I can get down, you know, and there are others of us our temperament. You know, we might saunter down that stairway to our emotions and frustrations and so that obviously I loved brain development and I love sharing brain development. And so I think about the times in my parenting role, in my parenting experiences where I could literally see my child move into their downstairs brain. And by by nature I typically go downstairs a little bit slower. So being able to see that and explain that was really, gosh I love that. And I hope that people, I hope that people keep thinking about the upstairs brain and the downstairs brain and those frustrations can be reduced dramatically if we as the adults, cause we're the adults , we're the adults, we're the adults. We can think about that upstairs, downstairs and where do we want to be? Where do we want to be when we are trying to guide our child and create opportunities for learning? Where do we want to be? We want to be in that upstairs brain bluff .

Mackenzie:

And sometimes I think that's the like that's why we need stop retalk we need the strategy because like I said, I can sprint. I've got a quick run down those stairs where I lose my reasoning. And so as I think about my child, especially my littles , you know I have little kids like they're in that raw downstairs brain. I can't talk you out of this. Like I know I make sense, I can't talk you out of this when you're in the downstairs brain, like there's a maybe gate on those stairs and you can't get up there. You were just feeling and that's where we're at. And my job is to get myself back up those stairs. Right. It's not free talk is one of the ways I do that. You don't stopping recognizing I'm in that downstairs brain recognizing my emotions are running high, taking that deep breath or sometimes lots of deep breaths.

Lori:

Lots of deep breaths , slow breaths .

Mackenzie:

Like when I needed to stop retalk. A lot of times I'll go out to my front steps like, you know, and then it's like, okay, I can get back in my upstairs brain, get reregulated, I'll help you get back up those stairs. Right? I'll help you get to a place of navigating those emotions so that we can process this. I don't need to process this right in the heat of that moment every time with you, you know, like I'm going to help you navigate those big feelings.

Lori:

I'm going to help you.

Mackenzie:

Yes, I'm going to help you. And so a lot of times we have this little kind of your reality section at the end of our podcast where we talk about a strategy or you know, we bring in an idea to reinforce everything as we were kind of talking about, all right , Season One, one parenting foundation. What is the thing like what is the thing it stopped retalk the totally and tantrums and yeah , thinking about how we find joy in our parenting and thinking about co-parenting, thinking about challenging moments, you know, like any parenting topic, it is Stop. Breathe. Talk.

Lori:

It it is 100% and I was sitting here thinking, we don't even have that in the outline. So it's , so ESP to you is like wow we, yeah , it's same brain waves, the same brain stop breathe talk. So, okay, well let's bring Kenzie and see what it is, see what we have going on in the background there. Maybe. I mean I guess if she doesn't show up then we know her internet is gone again.

Mackenzie D:

Hmm . Knock on wood, I haven't had any issues with it since. Knock on wood. Um, we have a few comments. We haven't had any questions but they're processing so we might want to give it a little bit of time as they go to cause remember we're on a delay here. Um, cause they're , so they're still processing upstairs. Downstairs brain is, we ask these questions. So the first comment, I liked the just-in-time parts dealing with distress right now. I think that it was in regard to kind of throughout this season. So comment on liking those, those moments where it was applicable right then and there. So that was awesome. Um , somebody says they liked the no judgment episode, which is awesome because that is one of the things that I know we, we have constantly, but how does that relate to what other people think of us? Or really a lot of it comes down to that as well.

Mackenzie:

So, and I mean it's one of our ground rules, right ? Trusting parents. That's a part of one of the beliefs of trusting parents to be the experts on their families and their kids. Yeah. And we're glad that resonated with people. Yes.

Lori:

So in our last episode, in our last episode we talked about the joys and challenges of parenting and research actually told us that re that parents report twice as many joys as problems. Now let's hang out there for a little bit. Yeah.

Mackenzie D:

So somebody said that expectation gap sounds like a good bumper sticker. And Cindy, I love that idea. Cindy. It always has a great idea .

Mackenzie:

Cindy knows I love like I love a sticker, I love a decal, I love the swag swag.

Mackenzie D:

If someone gave you a good compliment on painting that picture of that upstairs downstairs brain, and that's one of the things that I think, sorry, I feel like I'm kind of taking this over.

Mackenzie:

Do it.

Mackenzie D:

That upstairs, downstairs brain. When you first talked through that, I was like totally like I refer to that as a dramatic, highly emotional person. I know Mackenzie can relate to that too, but I feel like I related to that and I thought back to my childhood of like having those moments where I couldn't think because I just was feeling and so that that upstairs, downstairs brain thing. I love it too. So I agree with, I agree with this comment.

Mackenzie:

Yay . No, they're fun. I say , do we have any other questions across season one? You know, we covered meltdowns and the heat of the moment and how to recover and repair after we've lost it. Gosh, I don't want my , I'm like, what did we do ? We covered all loss . We did. Yeah . Oh.

Lori:

I especially love looking at the podcast episodes and and reviewing the titles and thinking, Oh huh. Well no , that's right. We did do that. But, so anyway, back to the joys , cause Kenzie did mention the joys of parenting. Um , when we look at the fact that we feel these struggles, but when it comes right down to it, we actually do have more joys . We do report research tells us the parents report more joys. Sometimes it doesn't feel like that. Right. So you jump in like I pick you, I pick you.

Mackenzie:

I guess I just want to give a side note. When we talked about that episode for the last week, it was like this is an important message for us to hear, but there needs to be a message along with it that there's, you know, parents report twice as many joys. It's okay if you don't feel like that all the time. Um, and I'll, you know, even in my own parenting journey, it's okay if you're not feeling like, and as you think about twice as many you have , right? Like it's okay to ask for help. Um, you know, we have the Iowa Concern Hotline, which is totally free and confidential. If you feel like you're not ready to talk, you know, with people in your own life about that. Um , even talking to a mental health professional or your family doctor and I recently have been struggling with some mental health things, which I realized was affecting the way I was interacting with my kids and my whole family. And so I had to ask for help. And so as we think about this twice as many joys as, as challenges, like if that's not you right now and that's okay. Um, you know, it doesn't have to be perfect all the time, but it's okay to also ask for help if you need it. So, and we are gonna talk more about some of these things in season two. I'll tell you more of that story some other day, but it's like we can't talk about joy without talking about the fact that it's not always joy . The reality if you realize you need help.

Lori:

Yeah, yes. Yeah, absolutely. So do you want to give a sneak peek of season two? I mean you have.

Mackenzie D:

We do have a couple of questions, so either we can jump into that and come back to them or we can ask, we can answer a couple of questions.

Mackenzie:

Let's, let's answer the questions.

Mackenzie D:

Okay. So the first question, what is a technique or tool you're finding harder to use in reality? Some maybe that we've talked about that you're like, yeah, I'm still struggling with this. Go for it.

Mackenzie:

Call on me . Okay. So Lori's tool, you know, I told you she assigned it to me on the last week . I'm not kidding. She's like, you're going to do this. Um, I've, I'm still finagling that, like, so my husband and my co-parent and I, you know, we agreed on things and like what we were going to have in there and we're still working on, we're going to ignore that. Like we put that in the ignore column and it's not that it's not a useful tool, it's that I have to practice it way more than I thought I would like. And I'm even, you know , at night I'm like, as we're talking or after the kids go to bed, I'm like, okay, maybe we need to shift this to this column or you know, she's doing this and we could really encourage that more. So that's been a little bit harder to use in my reality, but super useful when I'm like, alright , I can do it.

Lori:

I love that. I love that. I love that so much because that's the reality is that not every single tool is going to be right for every person, every day of the week at every age their child is. And so just the fact that we keep adding more tools to the toolbox. Oh yeah. I love that. And I'm so glad that you recognized that you needed to finagle it. I love that word too. So I want to say it again. You finagled it to meet your reality. Yeah. Instead of tossing out the window and saying it doesn't work. No. You know what? Like this is my reality. This is how it's going to work in my reality. Excellent. A plus. What else do you got? What else? You got Kenz, keep them coming .

Mackenzie D:

All right . With the, with feelings versus expectation, how do you explain that to a child? In terms of like the parenting styles, like , um, you know, like when we think of authoritative parenting, of recognizing their feelings and providing warmth versus like expectations and demandingness , um, if that's the question, that's what I'm gonna go with. Uh, cause that's what I immediately get from the vibe. Um, so like I said, I have littles and so the way I'm often explaining it , uh , when I'm explaining those expectations, like, Oh , you know, I know, I know you're mad or I know you're disappointed or frustrated. And so recognizing that those feelings and it's my job to keep you safe. Like , and it's my job to make sure that you can grow healthy and you know, whatever relates to that expectation. Um, so that's, you know, explain it in the moment. I maybe don't explain the whole big picture, but like for you, the big feelings you have right now, I'm going to acknowledge those. Yeah, yeah,

Lori:

Correct. And sometimes just that acknowledgement of, yeah, you're mad, you're angry. I can tell you are upset and I have to keep you safe. Yes. So this is the expectation even as adults, when someone says, I hear what you're saying Lori , but the answer is still no. I mean like I don't like that. I don't like it at all, but because they told me, I hear what you're saying. Wow. That , okay. Like I'm going to accept that no, a little bit better than just the old no, cause I said so. Cause I no , I said so.

Mackenzie:

And especially when they can like repeat back to me like, okay, you're saying this is what you think and why? Okay. I hear you.

Lori:

And like , and you still got to put your coat on, right .

Mackenzie D:

So something that came to my mind and just , uh , kind of having a feeling for where this , this question came from. Uh , is there ever a point where those, those big feelings are like, I don't, I, I'm going to say invalid because that's like, that's like going way to the opposite end of it. But like when these kids are having these big feelings that you stop and go, wow, you're way out of control. These feeling , you're like,

Mackenzie:

Is that like the definition of meltdowns when it was disproportionate proportionate along those lines?

Lori:

Well, I think that one of the things that , the tools that we talked about during the meltdowns episode, I believe it was, was, you know, sometimes you get to that point where you, you're like out of control and you can't get back in control. And so you need the adult to help you. The child needs the adult to help get back into control. And so that disproportionate feeling of, I mean all feelings are valid, right? When, when Millie is really upset about not being able to have , um, you know, ice cream at 9:30 at night, right ? Three last night, right? So that's still a valid feeling. The feelings are valid because they're valid feelings. But the idea that now your, so over the top of your emotions, I'm gonna need to stop, breathe, talk myself so that I can model to you how to come back off that emotional ledge. And then we can go from there. Connect .

Mackenzie:

I'll say I think of all the like memes you see like stories of how this toddler, like my toddler is falling apart right now because I won't let them eat the chalk. Right . Disproportionate meltdowns and it is still the case. Like you're mad, I won't let you eat the chalk. It was in my house. I was actually not a part of the interaction. My dad was or my husband was navigating that meltdown last night about the ice cream. But it was like you had a different expectation than what's happening. You thought you were having ice cream and you thought that was the plan. I don't know where you got the plan. And so even when the feelings are disproportionate that like, okay, yup , you are, you're mad or disappointed or, yeah . Yeah.

Lori:

Great questions. Yeah. Good.

Mackenzie D:

And then this question doesn't stop , breathe and talk work for a two year old. Um, as a parent, I think stop retalk works for anyone or as someone who's will , is able to process that maybe a two year old expectation gap isn't that they necessarily use a stop rate talk. But you can model it.

Lori:

You can model it . Yes. Sharing, sharing that story of, you know, taking that stop, that breath and that calm voice. When my toddler, I know that she was a year and a half trying to pull her shoe off and she's screaming at me, did I expect her to stop, breathe, talk? No, but I expected me to stop, breathe, talk and because I could stop, breathe, talk and because I did it over and over in her young little life, that's when I saw her go help, please. Right. So, so yes, I would say yes they can, but not after they've seen you model it, model it, model it and model it.

Mackenzie:

And uh, I take this question, I was like, so can we make my two year old stop breathe talk, and I do like, yeah . Talking about that modeling, I have absolutely said to my child like when the things may seem disproportionate or when both of our emotions are high, we're both in that downstairs brain. I have said like, I'm really angry right now. I to go take a breath. Like I'm going to , I'm going to go to my room or I'm going to step outside. Um, and a lot of times that is met by more screaming. Like they did not like that that was my plan . Um, but me taking that like, Oop , I need to walk, I need to like take a break , take a break from the situation in a way can force them to stop breathe talk. I mean they might not get the intention that you get as the parent in that talk, but yeah . Yeah, definitely.

Mackenzie D:

Another thought I had, you might want to make sure that they're safe before you walk into the room. Cause sometimes a two year old might be doing things that get you irritated that might not be safe . So make sure they're safe before you walk out of the room. But yeah. So that was the last question we have for now. So if you, do you want to , do you want to give us a little insight on season two , season two ?

Mackenzie:

So, yeah, that episode, that last one, it was so perfect that it talked about finding joy in parenting. And that's kind of the direction that we're going ahead in season two is as parents, how do we, I don't even just want to say fun . Do I want to say like, how do we keep joy? You know, like it's, things are gonna pull us in different directions. There's going to be challenging moments. There's going to be ups and downs, there's gonna be strain. And what sometimes feels like the load of parenting is too heavy or you feel like you don't know what you're doing, or there's gonna be things that are going to make it feel difficult. And so how can we keep joy and maybe even the word sanity comes to mind. Um , so we're gonna talk about some strategies and some topics that are related to kind of taking care of yourself in order to keep that keeping keep.

Lori:

I liked , as I read some of the outlines, some of those those S words, struggles and stress and support and strain and all those, I see a big S on the our parenting shields . Super, super Science of Parenting.

Mackenzie:

Yeah. So yeah, you'll be seeing more of that. That does launch in June. So you'll see it's a little bit of a shorter season than season one has been, but it's all going to be kind of around that theme of , And we're going to start with the Live. Yeah, that's different. We haven't done it yet. We're gonna start with a Live.

Lori:

So our next episode will be alive on June 11 and so you will have to check our Facebook page next week. You know, we can't leave you a whole week without playing around with stuff. Right. So we have a special surprise for you next week. That's going to drop on our Facebook page . Facebook page. I don't know, will it show up on our podcast ? I think Kenzie said we'd have a, I don't know. Okay. Alright . It'll be a surprise. It'll be a surprise to all of us. So while we've laid the work for parenting in season one and season two, we're building on that by looking at some specific strategies and to kind of help us keep some of that joy. So thanks for joining us today on our Science of Parenting live podcast and remember to subscribe to our weekly audio podcasts . You can find them on Spotify, on Apple or your favorite podcast app. Watch our show on the Facebook video each week and once a month, well now we're going to say, well I guess it's still just once a month next month in June, right next month and then one of the after and the month after that you can find us live where we take your comments and questions. So come along with us as we tackle the ins and outs, the ups and downs and the research and reality all around The Science of Parenting.

Speaker 4:

The Science of Parenting is a research-based education program posted by Lori Hayungs and Mackenzie Johnson, produced by McKenzie DeJong with research and writing by Barbara Dunn Swanson. Send in questions and comments to parenting@iastate.edu and connect with us on Facebook and Twitter. This program is brought to you by Iowa State University Extension and Outreach. This institution is an equal opportunity provider. For the full non-discrimination statement or accommodation inquiries go to www.extension.iastate.edu/diversity/ext.