React vs Respond | S.4 Ep. 2

Do you react with your gut or respond with your brain? Use some of our strategies to help you slow down in challenging moments and respond with intention to your children.

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Mackenzie Johnson: 0:09

Hey, welcome to The Science of Parenting podcast, where we connect you with research based information that fits your family. We'll talk about the realities of being a parent, and how research can help guide our parenting decisions. I'm Mackenzie Johnson, parent of two littles with their own quirks, and a parenting educator.

Lori Korthals: 0:27

And I am Lori Korthals, and I'm a parent of three in three different life stages. One is launched, one is in college, and one is in high school. And I am also a parenting educator. And this week, we are going to continue on with our new season of parenting approaches based on research. We started last week, we talked a little about those four beautiful optional words when it comes to reframing how we talk about our parenting. And this week, we're going to specifically zone in on this word, respond.

Mackenzie Johnson: 1:03

Yes. So this research based approach to parenting is called the RPM3. Right? So that stands for respond, prevent, monitor, mentor model. And remember, this came together from lots of researchers collaborating with the Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, part of the National Institutes of Health. And basically, they all came together. And they said, these are the really important parts of parenting, according to the research we've done. And so as we walk through each of these parts, so right, today's on responding, as we walk through each of them, we just also want to remind you, these parts of parenting are based on this lifelong perspective we have, right, over time. It's not always about each individual moment we do all those things as much as it's about over time we respond and we do these other parts of parenting.

Lori Korthals: 1:57

So when you think about it, thankfully it's over time, right? Thankfully it's over time.

Mackenzie Johnson: 2:05

So we're not doing everything perfectly. We learned in our last episode. Well, hopefully we already knew but no perfect parents exist. But over time, over time, lifelong perspective.

Lori Korthals: 2:15

Absolutely. And then also that idea that at The Science of Parenting, we want you to always remember that what works for some parents may not work for others, and it's all about your own reality.

Mackenzie Johnson: 2:29

So you get to do this responding thing, based on your own definition and your own understanding of your kids. Exactly. You're so right, so important. So let's just like get started. I love to start with a definition. You guys have maybe noticed this about me, Lori definitely knows it. So let's get to know what this word respond is about. So in order to tell you about respond, I actually want to tell you about another word that we know, reacting. So in the parenting research, we tend to look at reacting versus responding. So let me tell you about reacting. This is basically when we just go with that first gut instinct, emotion, reaction, feeling, words, whatever comes first. When we act on whatever comes first, that's what we call a reaction. Yes, this is typically based in emotion, right? It maybe doesn't have, we haven't really thought through all the things ,just maybe what falls out of my mouth. So like, if I'm running late, and I feel like my child's not being cooperative, my reaction might be like, come on, let's go, we gotta hustle. Maybe raising my voice hustling this along. If I just cleaned, right, my co-parent and I just cleaned up and we come into the room to find a mess, my reaction could pretty easily be something like, Alright, you got to get this cleaned up. I'm not cleaning this up. Right? That is a gut instinct. It's that first reaction. And kind of without pause is maybe what I want to say. That reaction, that first thing. And Lori, can you tell us how that's different than what they're talking about here with responding?

Lori Korthals: 4:10

Yes. So our response then is, we actually take a moment to ponder, consider, think, and maybe reorganize which way we're going even. We think before we speak, we think before we act, and we intentionally respond to what's happening. And I like that word. Yeah, so that idea that you said, you and your co-parent just cleaned and now you walk in and there's a mess and you reacted. And you said, you know, ah, what what is going on here. A response to that situation might be something like, oh wow, I see that we have a whole pile of blocks on the floor, or wow, I see that the kitchen counter is full of dishes. We have some work to do here. Who's gonna help clean this up? And that's a response like, we stopped, we thought about it, and then we responded to what was going on. It's more helpful and appropriate than reaction at times.

Mackenzie Johnson: 5:28

Yeah. So I think that intention is really the word. If reacting is the emotion, right, that first thing. And I feel like we talked about this a little bit when we talked about the behavior reaction cycle in a previous episode. But yeah, that this reaction, and it's just like, it's the emotion, it's what comes first? It is. And the response is actually like a second thing and what what might be your reaction might not ultimately be your final response if we take that pause.

Lori Korthals: 5:57

Exactly. And then we also talked about reacting and responding when we talked about the temperament trait of intensity. Yeah. And if you look at that intensity trait, it's all about that gut reaction. And what is that first initial response? And how does it feel?

Mackenzie Johnson: 6:22

Reaction, we just talked about react, react.

Lori Korthals: 6:24

And then thinking about our temperament, then taking a moment, depending on where our intensity falls on the continuum?

Mackenzie Johnson: 6:33

You might remember, mine's kind of high.

Lori Korthals: 6:37

How do we respond?

Mackenzie Johnson: 6:40

Yes, so we know that our temperament and our intensity can play a role on how easy or hard it is to respond rather than react. But I also think of actually some research I was doing for another project, is this idea of what we attribute a behavior for, like, when our kids do something? What do we think the reason is for it? It's something that's also an important part of how we slow down to respond. If I think my child is doing this to get under my skin, my reaction looks different than if I think my child's like having a hard time. So I think that's a factor, too, in this reacting and responding.

Lori Korthals: 7:18

Absolutely, very much, very much. Okay, so as we think about this, we've kind of really been, I can even feel myself taking a Stop. Breathe. Talk. break, right? And so like this, this episode on responding is all about thinking about Stop. Breath. Talk., but I have a question. So when do you think it's easiest or hardest for you? To respond versus react?

Mackenzie Johnson: 7:48

Okay, so I would say actually, when we're with people, like when we're with extended, well, I guess not so commonly right now, but you know, when you're with groups of people, but when we're out and about or with other parents or other kids, I actually find it easier to kind of slow down. And maybe it's because I feel like I'm maybe doing a little role modeling or like the accountability of having the other parents around, I don't know. I'm also very extroverted. So maybe I just have a little more energy when we're with people. But when we're with people, I feel like I can slow down and be like, wow, those are big feelings, or you're having a hard time, and I can slow down and have that intention. Ooh, I want to say intention for connection. Whoo. Yeah. That's kind of what I want to say. Versus like the initial reaction of like, it kind of changes my initial reaction a little.

Lori Korthals: 8:42

It does. Absolutely.

Mackenzie Johnson: 8:44

I would say it's hardest for me when I feel overstimulated, which I've talked about before. I often feel that way at supper. It's something about supper. I don't know if it's the noise level or what but when I feel overstimulated, my intensity creeps up, maybe like it creeps up on me and so that my reaction is strong. And so it's harder to fight. Like it's harder when I feel overstimulated. What about you? When would you say it's easier for you to respond and harder for you to respond?

Lori Korthals: 9:19

So I think I have a little bit of edge here only because my natural temperament is less intense. For my less intense temperament, I don't have big reactions. Like I don't go from zero to 60 very fast. But then when I do have big reactions, watch out, right. So for me, I think about responses are easier for me in highly emotionally charged situations, I think just because of my temperament.

Mackenzie Johnson: 10:00

Like, your instinct is cool, calm, collected. Yes.

Lori Korthals: 10:03

My instinct is called calm, cool, collected. Absolutely. I remember telling him my co-teacher in my three year old preschool that I was happy to handle the children that were hitting, biting, punching and kicking, right? I could easily handle that. But I am highly sensitive. And so when a child is whining, or when it's a very needy response, those are hard for me. Like those are times when I react instead of respond. And that's frustrating as an early childhood parenting educator. Like we talked about last time, I should know better.

Mackenzie Johnson: 10:49

No shoulds.

Lori Korthals: 10:50

No, I can't do that to myself. But those are the times I react, when it's those whiny, needy things. And I'm able to respond more intentionally, to those big behavior, difficult, feisty situations.

Mackenzie Johnson: 11:07

So it does, like, you know, even just between the two of us who are very similar, in some ways, look super different on this reacting versus responding. And taking the time and the intention, and totally takes more effort, totally takes more effort to slow down and respond than it is to just go with what comes to mind. Right. 100%. A choice and that responding, it's an important thing. But yeah, let's acknowledge that it can also be a tough thing. Absolutely. Yes, yeah. So a little bit about why it is an important thing. Again, from our kind of publication from the National Institutes of Health, they remind us about, they have this quote here that says, of all the things that influence your child's growth and development, one of the most important is the reliable, responsive, and sensitive care your child gets from you. Yeah, and I honestly, you know, there's a part of me, it's like, I wish I could be responsible all the time. But that's a should. That's kind of a should.

Lori Korthals: 12:13

There are no perfect parents.

Mackenzie Johnson: 12:17

But we do know that this sensitive care, you know, being able to provide that responsive care comes from a place of being calm and collected and regulated, right, in our emotion. And so when we are able to do this, our child, you know, not only gets to experience that sensitive care from us, they also get to see a role model of what it looks like to regulate our emotions and make an intentional choice of what to say, right? It's that idea of, I'm not going to shoot off this angry email, I'm going to let it sit for a little bit before I respond.

Lori Korthals: 12:51

I'm gonna sleep on it.

Mackenzie Johnson: 12:55

And so that responsiveness in our parenting, it's an important part of how our kids grow and develop.

Lori Korthals: 13:03

It is, absolutely. So, you know, we played this little game when we did our temperament season about different ages and stages, and what things look like at different ages. And so I'm thinking, maybe we should try to do that here with this idea of intentionally responding?

Mackenzie Johnson: 13:21

Yes, yes.

Lori Korthals: 13:22

So research says it can be one of the most important things you give, right? So for an infant, let's say, what is this idea of intentionally responding or what does it look like?

Mackenzie Johnson: 13:36

We know responding is like you said, an important part of parenting. For an infant, an example of how we respond, because we know it can look different at different ages, could be something as simple as picking up your infant when they cry and soothing them, instead of right, like, even when I am too tired to deal with this. We can choose to respond by soothing them, rather than expressing our frustration to them or even, you know, in a more positive example of responding to they're smiling at us, you know, that our response can be talking to them and those kinds of things. So yeah, when we think about this intentional responding, it's that pause before running with that emotion to our infant. And I actually think it's a little easier with infants sometimes, because we don't assign an extra reason why they're doing it. Exactly. Yeah. That we're not like, oh, well, they are doing this to me, because it's like, oh, you're so tired. Oh, you're so hungry. Yes. Yes. Responding to infants. What about as we get a little older, kind of that toddler preschooler, early childhood?

Lori Korthals: 14:45

Okay, sure. So I think about when you're looking at toddlers and preschoolers, you're looking at that idea of them wanting to be more independent. And so how do you intentionally respond to things that they're doing and you talked about exactly that. What is it that's behind their behavior? What is it that's behind the meltdown? If we don't assign the idea that they're intentionally disobeying, what then is it that they need from us. Can we respond with wow, I can tell you are really upset that your red glass is in the dishwasher, or it sounds like you are frustrated your zipper won't work on your coat. And those types of responses, even in the middle of the tantrum, tell our child, we get them. I see you, I get you, I see you. And, you know, we can do that in a way that if we're right in the middle of fixing dinner, or in the middle of a task that we have to finish before we attend to their needs, we can look at the toddler or the preschooler from across the room, wave at them, give them a thumbs up. We can respond to their need and even say something like, I see that you need my help. I am coming as soon as I, you know, put the garbage back under the kitchen sink or whatever. It is that responding to say, I get you and I know you need something.

Mackenzie Johnson: 16:23

Yeah, I'll say and as we get a little older, right, so toddlers and preschoolers are really just kind of figuring out the rules of independence. School agers and kind of even preteens are really practicing it, right. Like they're getting some more independence. They're having more time away from their parents and like activities or with friends. And so I think kind of a common example or challenge, whatever you want to call it, when it comes to intentionally responding with our little bit older kids can come from, you know, I picture like telling our parents a story. I guess I'm putting myself in the role of like, if your child is telling you a story about what happened, and maybe you don't love what you're hearing, right? Like how they handled it, or what they said to somebody or what their friends were doing, and reaction could be something like, what do you mean, you were blank, or I can't believe that you...right? And so the responding a lot of times in this age can be waiting for more information, right? The choice to pause, right? I'm gonna hold this emotion, this reaction I'm having, is that pause to say like, okay, so I guess I I'm having trouble understanding how you guys ended up there? Or can you explain to me like what happened here? And that pause to kind of get more information before diving into, I can't believe you. Exactly. So that is a choice and sometimes a hard one. But that's a choice to respond to our child that builds a relationship and our trust with them. So they'll tell us stuff. And so that intentional responding, that's something we want is for them to tell us stuff. So those kinds of examples, I even think about like providing some flexibility to our preteens and school agers instead of like, this is the only way we've ever done it. It's like, okay, you're getting older, you're saying you'd like to do this thing? Yes. Even though my gut says, no way. I might slow down and I'll think about, I'll consider that. That's a response rather than a reaction.

Lori Korthals: 18:32

It is. And that goes right into that idea of as they grow older, you know, they're teenagers or young adults and stopping to consider their perspective, consider what they're seeing in their environment and offering them the opportunity to take on additional perspectives to see additional ideas and thoughts. And instead of you sharing what you think it should be from your perspective, you're responding by allowing their growth and development into a young adult to be able to say, you know, I have some trust in how you're thinking, what are some other ways that we could think? What if we list out all the possibilities? And, you know, there's those gut reactions of absolutely not, you're not moving to Europe, you're not moving across the country. But taking that breath, that Stop. Breathe. Talk. and thinking about from their perspective, what are the things that they're seeing and hearing and how might we expand their thinking, how might we engage them in expanding their thinking? Yes, instead of reacting with that, absolutely not.

Mackenzie Johnson: 19:57

Yes, that reminds me so much of last season when we talked to Mary Sheedy Kurcinka about flexible thinking, and yeah, my highly intense, very adaptable self with an older kid can easily be like, oh, well, you know what another ideas is? So instead of your idea, here's mine. Yeah. Okay, that might be my reaction, but my response could be okay, yeah, I see your perspective. Like, what else could we consider? Instead of oh, you know what you should try?

Lori Korthals: 20:29

Yes. And honestly research also shares with us about those moments of responding and that expanding our thinking, it talks about the idea that children need to spend positive, engaging, you know, playful moments with us each day. It creates this special time where we're able to bond and you know, spend time together in this, I guess, this climate of thinking together, right?

Mackenzie Johnson: 20:58

Yes, yes.

Lori Korthals: 20:59

I think about those special bonding or those special moments that I've had at the different stages with my children. And it's been different at each stage. How about for you?

Mackenzie Johnson: 21:09

Yeah, so I've always heard this term called special time. And to me that's a little kid phrase. I don't know.

Lori Korthals: 21:21

It feels little.

Mackenzie Johnson: 21:22

Yeah, it feels little. With my littles, I often think of like, the books before bedtime, and the snuggling, like the bedtime routine, is a lot of times a special time, or my husband and I like rotate who's putting kids to bed, so if it's not my turn to put kids to bed, I might try to seek out some special time by like making sure I sit down on the floor and play. We do a puzzle, we play a game or something like that. And so that's kind of a common one. Those are kind of common special times around here. Yes. So especially since my kids go to childcare most days. And so like our time together is towards the end of the day before bedtime, but we got to get supper. And so I have to be intentional about going to find that chunk of special time where I can be responsive to them. But what about with your older kids?

Lori Korthals: 22:15

I think of something as silly as, you know, myself and my older child sending silly pictures or silly comments back and forth to each other. You know, just that idea that we connected, that we had a special connection at a certain point in time that, you know, made us both at the exact same time, whether we're even in the same state, smile together.

Mackenzie Johnson: 22:39

Mm hmm. I love that. And I also even have memories of like, sitting on the foot of my mom's bed, and just, I mean, probably just talking her ear off if I'm honest. But to me, you know, it was like that moment of connection where life was a little bit slower. And there was time for that connection, and that responsiveness. And so yeah, that special time and that chance. I like that connecting and the intention and how we respond. I think it's great.

Lori Korthals: 23:08

Yeah, so, alright.

Mackenzie Johnson: 23:11

Okay, so that brings us to some strategies, right? I have some little nuggets here of okay, we know reacting versus responding requires us to kind of slow down, have that intention. It's important and we can try to do this with special time. What do we do now that we know that?

Lori Korthals: 23:27

Well, a couple of tips, specifically from the National Institute of Health? A couple of things are, you know, if we think about responding, we have to think about what is the answer to the question of why are they behaving the way that they do? And if we can really think about that, that's very helpful in our responses. So what are the reasons for our children's behavior? What emotions do we have that might be getting in the way and causing us to react instead of respond?

Mackenzie Johnson: 24:10

Am I overstimulated at supper?

Lori Korthals: 24:11

I think your emotional energy bucket is empty. And then also, do we need to consider previous, you know, similar events and think about, well, how did we handle them at that point in time? And is there a way for us to be more consistent with how we handle them? We talked about last week that you know, consistency helps children understand and predict how we're going to respond. And so if we can respond with intention more consistently, you know, children may behave differently because they know what our response is going to be.

Mackenzie Johnson: 24:55

Absolutely. Okay and then one more tip that we can't not talk about. We already mentioned, yeah, you might remember from season one and honestly, every season, our favorite kind of strategy at The Science of Parenting when it comes to parenting in general, and responding rather than reacting is this idea of slowing down in a challenging moment to Stop. Breathe. and then Talk. So it's just this idea of stopping to recognize emotions, taking a deep breath, and sometimes several, right? Sometimes sleeping on it, sometimes taking a walk around the block. So whatever that breath looks like, that pause, so taking that deep breath, and then that's when we talk. And because we've regulated and slowed down to consider our emotions, we can speak with intention to our kids, right? What do I want the outcome to be of this interaction with my kids. So, Stop. Breathe. Talk. is a super important part of responding rather than reacting. And honestly, that's kind of like the perfect segue. We have our section here at the end, where our producer, Kenzi DeJong, comes in to ask us a stumper. We don't always, we don't know what she's gonna ask, and so we kind of have to go off the cuff. And we call this our Stop. Breathe. Talk. space because it kind of forces Lori and I to slow down, slow our roll a little bit. Yes. Roll through sharing this research with you. It's like, Well, wait, we've got a little question. We're gonna have to stop and think, what do you think can? Are we gonna have to stop and think a lot today?

Mackenzie DeJong: 26:31

You might because I need some help clarifying, yeah, I'm not really sure what the right way to put this is, but I'm kind of grappling with this idea that you're telling me, don't use your gut reaction. But often in life, we're told to trust your gut, or go with your gut. Which to me, that means like, use your gut reaction, right? So how can we align that idea of like trusting your instincts, trusting your gut reaction, trusting your gut, but also aligning that with responding rather than reacting? Does that make sense?

Mackenzie Johnson: 27:17

Your question, I see you're getting at. Yes.

Lori Korthals: 27:20

And it's funny because there was a part of my brain that as I said something about your gut reaction and intensity, there was this little trigger that was like, okay, but what about your gut sense, right?

Mackenzie DeJong: 27:33

That's kind of what like, how do we align those things?

Mackenzie Johnson: 27:37

Mm hmm. Gut reactions versus gut sense. Yes.

Lori Korthals: 27:40

And I think so the gut reaction that we talked about with intensity is that feeling, like you can feel your nerves start to fray, you can feel your heart start to race, you can feel your pulse start to beat faster, versus that intuitive thinking gut that says, hey, wait a minute, something about this doesn't make sense. So maybe it's a brain gut? And I really do think about that reaction is intensity, that intensity, that intensity, and responding is you're thinking, you're thinking, you're thinking, Mmm hmm. Yeah, or the upstairs downstairs brain?

Mackenzie Johnson: 28:33

Yes.

Lori Korthals: 28:35

From season one.

Mackenzie DeJong: 28:36

Mm hmm. Right. Right. So it's kind of maybe we're not talking about specifically gut reactions in this sense, then we're talking about our emotional reactions. Mm hmm.

Lori Korthals: 28:48

Yeah, there's a person downstairs where the upstairs brain is the thinking brain and the downstairs brain is that emotional brain that sometimes is all about feelings and reactions.

Mackenzie Johnson: 29:04

Okay. I also think of like, yeah, like Laura used the word instinct or one of you used the word instinct. To me instincts are kind of over time. Like sometimes my gut is telling me something for a while versus to me, a gut reaction isn't instant. Like I think of like, yeah, my gut might tell me like, something about this feels weird or, like, okay, I haven't quite figured this out yet. Because my gut's telling me, it's not right. And to me that's kind of an over time intuition or instinct versus a reaction is like, yeah, this is what's happening right this second. Yes. As opposed to like, building up to me.

Mackenzie DeJong: 29:52

So really when you say trust your gut, it's really a response. It's not a reaction because it's developed over time. It's just in that moment. No, it's pulling from all of that experience from the past to tell you, something's not right here. Yes.

Mackenzie Johnson: 30:10

Yeah. That's a great way to explain that difference. Yeah, it is. It's built, right? Those instincts are built in. So that is kind of a response. Because, yeah, great job, kids.

Lori Korthals: 30:23

Yeah, respond with your brain, don't react with your gut.

Mackenzie DeJong: 30:29

I guess I was just thinking, I'm sure other people would have that question of like, wait, I've always been told to trust my gut. You're telling me not to trust my gut.

Mackenzie Johnson: 30:38

The emotion. Yeah. Yeah. To let the emotion decide. Like, we're not saying you don't feel it, right? You're allowed to feel frustrated. But if we choose to run right off that frustration as soon as it bubbles, my highly intense self could get myself in some trouble.

Mackenzie DeJong: 30:56

You might have that icky feeling. But that doesn't immediately mean you should start screaming. Yes. So yes. All right. Thank you for helping me to clarify that. So I'll let you go now.

Mackenzie Johnson: 31:06

That was kind of a doozy. Thanks, Kenz. So yeah, so thinking about our emotional reaction, that's a good reminder for us, that emotional reaction versus that intentional response, and that this is just a part of parenting across all different ages. It might look a little different but we know that it's an important part of how our kids develop, and that we can choose some intentional time, you know, for our kids, different parts of the day, might look different every day what we choose to do, but that we are gonna speak with intention and respond to our kids' behavior. And that's just an important part of parenting in this lifelong journey we have.

Lori Korthals: 31:48

Absolutely. So thank you for joining us today on The Science of Parenting podcast and remember to subscribe to our weekly audio podcasts on Apple, Spotify or your favorite podcast app. Watch the show on video each week and join us on Facebook and Twitter at Science of Parenting to see our content in your feed.

Mackenzie Johnson: 32:11

Absolutely. So please join us next week and throughout the season. Next week we'll be talking about preventing. So how do we prevent with our kids as part of parenting and do come along with us as we talk all the ups and downs, the ins and outs, and the research and reality all around The Science of Parenting.

Anthony Santiago: 32:34

The Science of Parenting is a research based education program hosted by Lori Haynes and Mackenzie Johnson, produced by Mackenzie DeJong, with research and writing by Barbara Dunn Swanson. Send in questions and comments to parenting@iastate.edu and connect with us on Facebook and Twitter. This program is brought to you by Iowa State University Extension and Outreach. This institution is an equal opportunity provider. For the full nondiscrimination statement or accommodation inquiries go to www.extension.iastate.edu/diversity/ext