Talking with Teens | Bonus

Lori chatted with Leah Feltz on the Iowa State University Extension and Outreach Instagram page about talking to teens.

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

0:00

Hello Science of Parenting fans, Lori Korthals here. Wanted to let you know that while we are waiting for season four to launch, we've been doing a couple of things over on Instagram. Iowa State University Extension and Outreach has been asking us some questions live on the hot seat. So we thought we'd share them here with you. See you soon in season four! So welcome. Again, this is our first Instagram Live on Iowa State Extension's Instagram page. I'll say Instagram probably five more times. So if you have a coffee nearby, or water, just take a sip every time. And this is a new series. And Lori, who I adore, has graciously decided to join after copious amounts of requests for her to hop on with me. So nagging did pay off here. And yet, we're going live with this new series called Research Right Now. And the goal of this is to see what's going on in the world, like at this moment, and then pop on with a specialist that can give us a little bit of insight into the research and how it's impacting the right now. So today is probably honestly a little selfish of a topic, Lori, because we're talking about how to talk with your teens. I happen to have a teen and a preteen. So yeah, this is one that I'm feeling the weight of this daily, and it does seem like it continues to get a little heavier. There's so much going on in the world right now. So I'm so thankful that you're joining us to just give some practical tips on how we can talk with our teens. Absolutely. You've got three right? I do have three. Okay. Yes, yes. I'm going to just watch and then watch it later so that I can take notes, but now I'm just going to be full attention. Yeah. I do have to have made it through their teens. And no one I think would be what considered right smack dab in the middle. She's 15. So well, maybe not quite smack dab in the middle. But yes, they are and interesting. age range. I know. You know, teens brains are interesting all on their own. Yes. So, Leah, hit me. What you got? Okay, so I've got my oldest is 16. And you know, we're in that weird age of still reliant on us as parents for a lot, obviously, his basic needs, he's got shelter, he's got clothes, etc. But he also has a job so he has his own money, he has a car and he's able to drive. So there's a little bit of that, you know, he's also his own person. And so with that being said, you know, I try to respect his own person and not be too like, in his face. What do you do today? How are your friends who's dating who like what, give me all the juice, which I'd love to know all those details, but really wanting him to feel like he can come to me, but at the same time, I want to I do want to go to him. I do want to ask questions. So how do I do that without him feeling like, oh, mom's here again? Yes, mom's here again. So when we talked about this, a couple of things really came up into my mind. And the two of them were fairly quickly. And then the other one took a little bit because I kind of wanted three right out of three. And so the way I thought about this was, okay, so as an adult, what do I appreciate when I have to have, not have to, but when I know that there's going to be a longer more, you know, intense or deep conversation. What do I like? What I thought about first was, I like to kind of be on my own turf. So I like to be comfortable in my space. I like to know what's around me, what my surroundings are. And and I think that's an important piece. And I think that as I look back through my older two, and especially even my youngest right now, going into her space, not only includes that physical space, but even that conversation space. So I know that it sounds funny to say have a text conversation. But that's their space. Totally Right? You know Snapchat, that is their space. And so that's where they feel comfortable. I can honestly tell you that with my middle daughter, if I want to have a deeper conversation with her, it's in writing. Yeah It's it is it is in writing. And for her even, it might be like we've had to have some really deep conversations and so I wrote a letter in an email, or I would or if I want to have a conversation with all three of them at the same time, I'll write a big long text. Oh, man. And I know that in a way some people will be like what you can't have face to face. No, actually we can and we do after I've given them the opportunity to digest in theirown space what I want to chat about what I want to talk about. Or even if I want to say, hey, I noticed that you seem really stressed right now with everything that's going on. I would love to have a conversation with you. I know that it, you know, it may not be something that you want to do, but I want you to know that I do. Yeah My favorite thing right now is taking my daughter to lessons that happened to be 45 minutes away. She's stuck with me in the clock. Right. Right? But those 45 minutes are not all, you know, conversations that have been like dying to ask her, you know, we're listening to her music where, you know, so so Okay, so the first part of that is, the first thing I thought of was go to their space. And then the second thing was to really think about the fact that we have all of these years of experience, all this time to digest these big things that are happening. And they don't. Like not only does their brain not have the capacity, but they don't have that experience. So we may be trying to say, Okay, let's have this big conversation, but their brain can actually only handle a little bit. A little bit of it. You know, we want to get to the end of the story. Yeah, I want you to have told me all the things and I want to be simultaneously your mom and best friend. Yes. Is that Is it too much to ask? Is it too much to ask? Yes. Is it too much? That that brain says, you know, no more, I can only handle this much. Yeah. You know, when you think about how we digest movies, or books, lots of times we go back and read the book again. Or we rewatch the movie, or Oh, yeah. And how many times do we hear and see something different? And so that first thing I thought of was go to their space. The second thing was digest it in bits and pieces and the third hing was to revisit it again a d again. And to follow up and y u know, other things you think a out how many times have you h d a conversation and you got s uck in only one piece? And you r ally didn't even hear the r st? Yeah. Okay, that's gonna h ppen just because naturally, t ey're teenagers. Yeah. Yeah. And so you might have thought, Oh, I saw the light go on. But you saw the light, go on it many, you know, a minute three and a half and It was the next 15 minutes that Right? The end of the story was what you wanted them to get it? Yeah. That's so good. Yeah, my, my 16 year old and I, we send Yeah. each other things through Instagram all the time. And when he sends me something funny, and I sent him something funny back, you know, in between those it's also just sometimes logistical things like, do you have practice today? Or what was that thing that you wanted me to look at? Or what? You know, and, and so there are times that I can slip in like a question there, too. Interestingly enough, I sent him a text last night, and this was just a text, and I can't even remember what it was. And he literally sent me back a picture of the bottom of his foot. So I didn't know what to do with that. But also at the same time, I was in his space, he was being goofy, and it was like a good moment. And those goofy weird I didn't I had my shoes on, so I couldn't reciprocate that, but. So yeah, my, my 12 year old daughter, the the thing you said about repeating is so important. And I realized, like, as you're saying that like, Oh, I think I do that with her. But the thing I think I need to work on is the not throwing it all there at once. You know, because when I do have her as a captive audience in the car, or whatever, you know, she's like, it's like, 20 questions from me. And she's like, I can't, it's too much. So that's so good to like, break it down. And when you said letting them play their music, that was another one that was like, Oh, I always have my music on. It's simple when they get in the car to be like, Hey, you. Yes. DJ Here's the aux cord. Yeah, totally. Practical, I can do that. And you think about the times where you might not be ready for the conversation but but they are. What clues are they giving you? I can literally see my daughter standing in my bedroom doorway last night and I'm like, oh, gosh, I'm really tired. But like, I just kind of leaned. Yeah, I thought She's here. Yeah. There's something that's coming. And, you know, it took a while, like, there was some conversation about what you know, whatever, whatever, whatever. And then, about item number 16. That was like, oh, this is why we're here. Oh, got it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's good. That was it was fun. I, you know, I went to bed with a smile on my face. And I thought I wonder if, I wonder if I did that. Yeah, yeah. And I thought I'm pretty sure I did. Ease my mom into this conversation. Yeah, they can't know we're trying to talk otherwise, that changes. No, no. yeah. Um, no, that's so good because I are older too, we'll do that as well, where it's like, late, it's late at night. Typically, it's also like, you know, we've got a five year old as well, who does the, it's time for bed and that's when they're really thirsty. You know, where with the older two, it's, it's time for bed and then yeah, they're coming into a room for random questions or whatever. And now I'm wondering if that's not them trying to get out of their bedtime, but more like their minds, like realizing they're ready to converse. So maybe I'll stop hollering Just stop it! And go more like, would you like to talk? Is there anything? Oh, yes. And you know, if you think about a question that you may have asked earlier in the day that got a blank stare or the hands, they might have been digesting their answer all day long. And now, now they're ready to dive into this a little bit. And so those subtle cues that they're giving off, and I have even gone so far as to say things like, Pasha, I know, I noticed that you're hanging around the room. How about we go back to that question I asked you later. Are you ready to talk about it? Yeah. And, like, I'll let them know, I'm picking up on their cues and it's an appropriate cue, and I'm getting it and like we're connecting, so let's keep connecting. Yeah. Barb had just commented and said, so leaving time to actually get to the topic at hand is a good strategy. And that is, yeah, so good. Oh, absolutely. The big three that you talked about, that I want to make sure that I take away and that any viewers take away. Repeat those three, those three steps for talking with your teens or those three things to remember, keep in mind. So get into their space, and I don't mean physically, necessarily in your face. What I mean is My daughter's bedroom is a place, I don't want to be so that there's that feels a little scary. It doesn't get better. No. I said that one with the get in their space. That's the my takeaways is the music, one. Like being in the car, letting them play their music, they now feel comfortable, they have this known feeling or whatever. And that is their space. It is their space. Yeah, that means or being on Instagram, or Snapchat or in their space. And converse with them in their space where they're comfortable. Yeah. And then that second one was just to, you know, give opportunities to digest this all in bite sized pieces. Yeah. So we don't have to lay out it, we don't have to lay out the full manuscript, we can then come back to bits and pieces of the full manuscript. And take it, you know, in bite sized pieces. And then that third one is really just to be willing to repeat. Yeah absolutely. And repeat and repeat and repeat. And especially what we know about the teen brain is there's so many, literally physical changes happening in the brain. chemical changes happening in the brain that it is...it is like driving through fog. Oh, I don't like that. I do not like that. That's what it will feel like to them at times. Look at them and go I told you this. Yeah. I just literally told you, and they're thinking I was driving in fog. Yeah. And they have no ideal Oh, my goodness, that's such a good analogy. Okay, okay, okay. I'm doing my breathing. You got this, Leah. You got this! My husband and I have told our kids even just this last week, we're like, we've never lived through some of the things you're living through right now. You know, because those first relationships or fights with friends, those are things that we can kind of like, grasp and like, yeah, we've been there like we've but virtual learning, um, you know, like pan worldwide pandemic, like come on. We, this is yeah. Yes. Having our whole lives play out on all of our followers. Yeah online. And that was another thing too. My son brought up to me he was like, hey, just FYI, like I'm on all the networks you're like the platforms you're on, give me a heads up when you're gonna show my face like, Right And I was like, Oh my gosh, oh, yeah. Totally. Like you are like your own being and you probably deserve to. Yeah, we had a couple comments come in the text, the get in their space, love that need to work on that. And also the bite sized pieces, I hear you on that. Donna's poppin ends and that's why I text back and forth instead of calling my granddaughter. I can usually tell when I've hit a hot topic she wants to get on the phone and that's so good, Donna, like and I even think of that for my parents when they're conversing with the grandkids that if you do have the ability to text them, text them, they will talk to you via text, they might not answer if you call and that doesn't mean they don't love you. I might not answer when you call. And that doesn't mean I don't love you. No, that's so good. That's so good. Well, I feel like I'm popping into the weekend with a couple new tactics to put into practice. And what I like about them, Lori is that they are doable, you did not tell me to read a book, and follow just these 27 simple steps. You know, I can do this, I can get in their space, make them, you know, feel safe, and that they they kind of have control over the situation, I can break conversations down into pieces, as opposed to throwing it all at them at once. And I can definitely repeat myself, like, come on. And I appreciate that from people too. I appreciate reminders. Exactly. So I can extend that too. Yes. As I thought about those. I especially thought about it from the adult perspective. I mean, this isn't really just about teens, like, I would hope that people would. Yeah, extend this to me. Totally, yeah, extend this to me. And it just, you know, sometimes, sometimes as adults, we forget that what we would like as adults is actually what our children might like too. Yeah. It's weird how that works. Yeah. Okay. Well, we are just seconds over about 15 minutes of chatting. I feel like, I feel rejuvenated. I really do feel good about picking kids up and heading into a weekend with a couple new tools in my belt. Oh, Barb wants you to talk a little bit about re-regulating when the topic is sensitive or emotional. Oh, whats that means to use big words. Well, what I was thinking was maybe we should do this again. I know. Okay, so we're gonna put a pin in that and we're gonna come back on another day with a couple other tools. Because yeah, I'm gonna Googl re-regulating Yeah It sounds like, sounds like it's gonna take me to something about cars. And I'm excited, something new to learn. Well, thank you so much for joining us just popping on quick helping us again, research right now we know that this is a time when you need to have conversations with your kids and your children in general, but specifically those teens that you know, they've got a lot of things go down and a lot of heavy feelings. And there's happy ones in there too. You want to be a part of them all. So these these were helpful for working with children in our lives, whether they're your kids, grandkids, friends, nieces, nephews, etc, etc. All right, well, Happy Friday the 13th by the way. I mean, come on, but it's also world kindness day. So I'm choosing to focus all of my thought energy on world kindness day not on the weirdness of a like I think we're in our second or third Friday the 13th of 2020. I'm like, can we not? Can we not guys? Can we just. Alright, well thank you all for joining if you're watching this later, we'll we'll have it saved into our stories and on our feed. So if you're watching it later and a thought or a question comes up, feel free to still throw it in the comments. I'll send it off to Lori the parenting pro I'm not gonna try to guide you guys too much. We'll take them! Yeah, absolutely. Well, thank you again, have a really really good Friday and I hope to see you soon. Lipstick, lipstick, at home. All right bye guys. Have a good day. This institution is an equal opportunity provider. For the full non-discrimination statement or accommodation inquiries, go to www.extension.iastate.edu/diversity/ext