The Science of Parenting
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The Science of Parenting
All About Regulation | S.9 Ep.7
In the season finale, the cohosts give the run-down on key concepts and light bulb moments from the episodes on regulation. Plus, stick around until the end to hear a huge list of parenting strategies to add to your toolbox!
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This institution is an equal opportunity provider. For the full non-discrimination statement or accommodation inquiries, go to www.extension.iastate.edu/diversity/ext
Welcome to The Science of Parenting podcast, where we connect you with research based information that fits your family. I'm Lori Korthals, parent of three in two different life stages. Two are launched, and one is still in high school. And I'm a parenting educator.
Mackenzie Johnson:And I'm Mackenzie Johnson, parent of two littles with their own quirks. And I'm a parenting educator. Today we'll talk about the realities of raising a family, and how research can help guide our parenting decisions. Hey, everyone, welcome back. Today we get to wrap up season nine on regulation.
Lori Korthals:Yes, nine seasons.
Mackenzie Johnson:Yeah, I know. Right. And I'm excited because all season we've been walking through these different considerations and different approaches and thought processes. And putting those puzzle pieces together today, I think is just going to be really satisfying. Like, yeah, we've reflected, we've learned stuff, and we're gonna talk about it.
Lori Korthals:And we're going to toss in a really random thing here and just say today's episode is different from all the episodes we've done for a while. So we'll leave you in suspense.
Mackenzie Johnson:It's kind of like when we used to do live, yes, I didn't connect these dots. So if you used to watch us live, or you've listened to us back to those episodes where we were live, maybe you already know. You don't have to wait very long to see.
Lori Korthals:Okay, so just before we get started, don't want to forget that this season has several research citations from Dr. Wendy Grolnick and her colleagues on a chapter in a book. So the chapter is on child regulation, right? And it's called The Handbook of Parenting, Volume Five. So there are lots of different citations from there. Everything that we pulled this season was from really great experts who are all talking about regulation, and how that really plays out in the lives of families. It's not just the children who have to regulate. Yes, yes.
Mackenzie Johnson:What do parents, what do we need to know about regulation? So yeah, so for this episode, we're just gonna kind of walk through like, what was this episode? What were we talking about? Why did we break things up the way we did? What ahas have we had? And so let's just get into it. All the way back.
Lori Korthals:All the way back. So what actually is regulation? We had to define it. Okay. So we use the research definition. And basically, it's the process of an individual aligning their behaviors to the demands of the specific situation. Yes, right. And so this can include how we align our behavior to the specific situation. It can include how we align our emotions with this specific situation, or how we align our cognition or thinking with the situation.
Mackenzie Johnson:Yes, and that was a big part of that first episode and a few episodes throughout the season, is that breakdown of behavior regulation, emotional regulation, and cognitive regulation. So that, you know, looking at what that regulation looks like for behavior, sometimes it is meeting rules, sometimes it is resisting impulsive things or a temptation. And then in cognitive, it can be that ability to pull things from that working memory, the what you give attention to, being able to shift it or being able to avoid letting it shift. So that attention and things like that, and then our attitude is a part of our thinking and our cognitive regulation, and then emotional, emotional regulation, right? Managing how emotional we get, but then, I love that they list out like initiating an emotion, inhibiting and avoiding. Yes, we got to do that sometimes and it's not always a bad thing. We're like, oh, but you need to feel and it's like, well, we will. But sometimes it's like, well, not yet or not right now. Or, you know what, I will feel that in a little bit. So there are different kinds of regulation. That's a big part of what we talked about in episode one.
Lori Korthals:It is and that really led us into episode two where we talked about, I'm the adult here and sometimes we have to own up to our own role in regulation. Right, so the idea here in that episode was, we all as adults need to manage our own regulation in order to help our child manage theirs, right? So when they're facing distress, when they're dysregulated, we cannot possibly expect them to maintain a sense of control if we don't do it first.
Mackenzie Johnson:And it is recognizing that it's hard, it can be, it's not always, but it can be really hard because in any other relationship, we are only in charge of our regulation, right? Like, okay with my co-workers, with my adult siblings, with my parents, with my co-parent, like whoever it is, as adults, we are in charge of our regulation only in that interaction. With our children, we're in charge of our regulation, and at the same time, we're trying to teach them. So while we're trying to like, okay, don't lose it on them. Because they're also trying to figure out how to do this so I have to teach it while I'm practicing it. And that is, that's a unique situation for parents and I'm like, and maybe classroom teachers. Suddenly, I'm like, oh and them too. Yes, but regulating ourselves so that we can be intentional and regulated. I mean, yes, we have to regulate ourselves so we're regulated. Yes, that's not brain science. Okay, so now we come to our little tidbit here, we're mixing it up to wrap up the season. And so instead of saving Barb's insight, and saving our Stop. Breathe. Talk. for the end, we're gonna bring Barb in right now. We're gonna do a little processing, hey, Barb, we're going to do a little processing and thinking through what we learned and what we've talked about this season. And Barb was such an important part of helping us put together and make sense of everything. And so it's like, it only feels right that the three of us do this together.
Lori Korthals:Yes, it does. So we have a question for all three of us to answer right. Okay, I'll ask the question.
Mackenzie Johnson:Do you have a question?
Lori Korthals:I do have a question. How did you know I had a question? Okay, so after these first two episodes, or after recording the whole season, I guess, as we think about regulation, and and specifically these first two episodes, what behavior will you be more intentional about when it comes to regulation?
Mackenzie Johnson:Something we'll be more intentional about when it comes to regulation.
Barb Dunn Swanson:I know.
Mackenzie Johnson:Oh, good, she gets the off-the-cuff. Go for it, Barb.
Barb Dunn Swanson:So I think that I am going to be more intentional, but more intentional about not judging. I'm the adult in the situation. And maybe I'm watching other parents interact with their children. It's really easy for me to judge, Oh, those children are dysregulated. Those children can't keep it together. Those parents, they don't know what they're doing. Judging, judging judging. I, after listening and thinking through and reading the research around regulation of kids and families, I'm going to be less judgmental because I know that it isn't a one stop shop. And one resource isn't going to help everybody. That each family is on their own journey for self-regulation and so I'm gonna stop judging and instead give grace. I'm going to be intentional.
Mackenzie Johnson:I think I'm going to be more intentional about thinking across the different kinds of regulation. Okay, and in part recognizing it in myself and in my kids of like, you worked really hard. I loved how I heard you change and how you were thinking about that. I thought so much about regulation as emotions, regulations as emotions, like you just have to regulate your emotions. And I didn't even connect behavior and emotional regulation and really, we're kind of talking about both. But yeah, so I think looking for opportunities is what I want to be more intentional about. Looking for opportunities to recognize and you know, even in myself, to explore a little bit more about when I might need to regulate a thought. When I might need to regulate a feeling and to give myself permission to say like, okay, I'm not gonna feel this right now. I'm gonna wait and that's regulating. That's not a bad thing. I'm meeting the situation, the needs of a situation. That's regulation.
Lori Korthals:That is a really great way to put it. I hadn't thought of it that way before.
Mackenzie Johnson:What about you? What will you be
Lori Korthals:Okay, so the other thing, I always thought intentional about? regulation, okay, for little kids. So like I'm teaching my little kids how to regulate. Well, just last week, I was super frustrated with my 22 year old and I was close enough to her to hear her shallow breathing and breathing rapidly. And so I had this moment of, oh my goodness, Lori, you need to make sure that you maintain calm, cool and collect, take some deep breaths, slow your conversation, slow the breathing, the pauses in between what you're speaking about, because I still needed to model to her how to regulate. And I guess, you know, when we started this season, I just kept thinking, oh, this is for parents of younger children, and then my 22 year old, doggone it, gives me an opportunity to, I'm the adult here. I had to regulate. I have a role in helping her regulate.
Mackenzie Johnson:Mm hmm. I love that. Yeah. So a lot of ahas and just those reflections right out of the gate of okay, what is regulation? Oh, it's these other things, too and our role in that. So we're gonna keep going here. So we're gonna say, see in a little bit, Barb. She's gonna come back when we reflect on the next section of episodes. So for now, we are going to look at episodes three and four, right?
Lori Korthals:Yes. So in three and four, we looked at things that we should consider when we think about regulation. So what are some really important things that we should consider as we talk about regulation? And those two things that we talked about in episodes three and four were age and temperament.
Mackenzie Johnson:So yes, with age, we know that it's an important consideration when we think about regulation. The developmentalist perspective tells us it's a highly justifiable reason. But when we think about age and regulation, we know that it will help us consider how we can help our That is. That is a lot of things to learn to regulate when you've kids regulate, and that with certain ages, what they're regulating, right, the developmental task, the task of their regulation at that age might be related to specific things, right? So we saw our babies, babies are really working on regulating their feeding, their sleeping, their attention. And then into our toddlers, they now suddenly have rules. They have to regulate their behaviors to stay within the expectations of the rules, and they suddenly have all this freedom, and they're walking and their mobility. They can just interact with the world and explore. And so that is a lot of things to learn to regulate. only been around for 24 months. Then we look at the preschoolers, and it's about this time that our preschoolers are starting to regulate how to avoid trouble. We talked a little bit about at this age, developmentally, they might start lying. And that's really around that idea of, I don't want to get in trouble, even though you literally saw me kick over that block tower, I'm still going to tell you I didn't do That wasn't me. It wasn't me. it. Yes. And that is social expectations, right?
Lori Korthals:No. Okay. So that is that idea that they're trying to align to what the behavior should be, right? And they're That's what they're regulating towards, yes. Oh, that also thinking about their own personal choice, you know, fascinates me. Well, and then our teens, it kind of shifts regulating the choices that they can make. Moving into the school agers and the preteens, they're really starting to align and regulate their behavior as a way to belong in a group of friends, in their school, in a group activity around the neighborhood. So when we think about developmentally in those ages, that's what they want to do to belong. And so as they regulate if they become dysregulated, they might be excluded from belonging to some type of group or activity. So it becomes kind of important to them in their eyes to figure out a way to stay regulated. back the other direction. In our teens and our young adults and our emerging adult kids, they're really needing to regulate their behavior and the way they see the world to align with their long term goals, right? Are they making choices that align with what they want to do after high school? You know, and so, they do, the shift of what they regulate toward and what they are aligning with, the expectations of the situations. And yeah, what types of tasks they're regulating. Age is a huge consideration in regulation. Yeah, that's the whole thing. It's alliteration and regulation. It is and so then the other consideration we talked about was temperament. And of course, we love talking about temperament but we really shared how temperament plays into both being able to remain regulated or align your behavior, thoughts, and emotions with your temperament, or what does dysregulation look like? So we spent some time talking about how temperament can express regulation or dysregulation. How temperament might create these opportunities to become dysregulated, or create alignments with regulation, or how we can utilize our temperament traits to become more regulated. So I like to think about regularity or biological rhythms as a temperament trait. And looking at that from the lens of if we have a high regularity, or we are very regular, well, we like things to happen internally in our body at the same time every day. And if someone interferes with that, let's say the adult in our life takes us on a long road trip and our biological rhythm says, hey, I eat, sleep, and poop at the same time every day but now we're on this long road trip. You are interfering with my temperament trait, regularity. There's gonna be some dysregulation.
Mackenzie Johnson:Yes, yeah. Yes. Well and I think of irregular, hello, that's me. I think the same thing like, oh, I'm hungry and it's 10am. And it doesn't matter that we're in the car because I'm hungry.
Lori Korthals:Yes, I know, we just stopped, I still have to go to the bathroom.
Mackenzie Johnson:Oh, that is really the example I should have used. Oh, and I of course, think of intensity, and how the, you know, the role that intensity has with regulation, how we see it and experience it. And I always love to remind people about intensity. It's literally a difference in how our brain like how strongly our brain reacts to something. Yes. And so the actual experience someone is having with intensity, right? They're not being over reactive, it's literally the experience their brain is having in response is just more intense. So the way that they express dysregulation might be loud. It might be if they're low intensity, it might be more subtle. It might be quiet, it might be little things here and there rather than a big loud expression. And both of them are all right. Yes, they're just different. They're a consideration.
Lori Korthals:They are a consideration.
Mackenzie Johnson:They are a consideration.
Lori Korthals:Okay, so I'm gonna bring Barb in, because I want to ask her a question again. So let's bring her back in. And let's ask another question and see what kind of answer Barb can come up with off the cuff again. Welcome back. So my question, as we talked about the considerations of regulation, what are some considerations in terms of regulation that you hadn't thought about before?
Barb Dunn Swanson:I think it's the whole notion of how our brain is at the core of everything we're talking about, especially as we're growing and developing. And I think back to what you were talking about, about rhythms. And it's a memory based. In other words, thinking about that baby in the womb who hears its mother's heartbeat. And it knows that rhythm of that heartbeat, so that when the baby is born and becomes dysregulated, Mama picks up that baby and puts the baby close to her chest, and all of a sudden that baby has that memory and hears that heartbeat and is soothed. Right? They feel soothed. And so I think about the memory that is created. That child becomes soothed and then they have this idea that this is someone I can trust. This caregiver picked me up, either fed me, rocked me. Remember when you were talking about swaying? And how important it was the rocking motion can be a helpful technique, a helpful strategy for a dysregulated baby. Yes, it all goes back to the experience that that child had. And that's something I'm gonna remember for a long time.
Mackenzie Johnson:Oh, I love that. I think for me, one of the things that I hadn't considered so much was the actual tasks at different ages related to regulation. I thought it's emotional regulation. It's temper tantrums. You know, kind of like Lori said, you know, it's little kids. And the fact that it's what they are regulating toward and what they're working on regulating is different at different ages. And I mean, it feels like, well, of course you should know that. But it makes sense in a new way. It does. It does. Yeah, we put a lot of rules on toddlers, and they have to constantly regulate. And I mean, yeah, we need some of those rules, right? Like, no, you cannot go in the street, no, you cannot, right? We need safety rules. We need rules about behavior. But there's a lot to regulate with the different stages. And so yeah, the tasks, that whole thing really I did not consider that before.
Lori Korthals:And as much of a brain development nerd that I like to proclaim to be, I really hadn't thought about the idea of, gosh, you know, the brain develops from the bottom up, right? So when an infant arrives, they already know how to breathe, they don't have to think about breathing. Okay. And breathing is part of regulation, right, but they don't know how to speak. And that comes from the top of their brain. And we know that doesn't grow and develop till, like mid 20s. So yes, children develop, they have different things that happen as they develop as their brain grows. But so does regulation, it does the same thing. It starts down at the bottom of the brain, and moves up the brain as the child grows. And so sometimes we have these expectations that their behaviors and thoughts should align, maybe because they have a lot of words. But just because they have a lot of words, doesn't mean that they have all of the ability to regulate themselves. The brain has different functions for each of the things that we do. And the regulation part of the brain still might not be as developed as the speaking part of the brain or the jumping part of the brain, right? So just because they can do X doesn't mean that they can regulate why. Yes, it's all separate. It's all intertwined, but it's still separate.
Mackenzie Johnson:And I remember when we were putting together our season on developmental milestones on ages and stages, that, you know, we looked across a couple different sources to decide what was a good fit. And in some of them, regulation was, right. There was physical development. Yes, self-regulation development. It is, it can be a whole separate category.
Lori Korthals:Yes. And the other thing was, I guess I didn't think that we'd pull seven episodes out of regulation. Yeah, maybe we're gonna have a bonus episode on regulation. Yeah, us, we did it. Check.
Mackenzie Johnson:And I'll say insert Barb. Insert Barb here. Yeah, Barb you bring in the bigger picture of regulation. Is there anything else you'd add? You know, thinking about some of these considerations we talked about?
Barb Dunn Swanson:I just love what you said, Lori, because it's true, the brain makes a big difference. And when we consider it a brain based function, then it allows us to give grace to children whose behaviors may not align with my expectations. And when I consider my child's temperament, then all of a sudden, I can see oh, just because a behavior looks not right to me, it might simply mean that they are temperamentally not focused on what I just asked them to do. Poking at you and trying to make you mad. They're intentionally And it isn't because they are not listening to me. It's because they are so focused, or they are so persistent on some task they're doing. So for me, it's a lot about brain based. And it's a lot about what temperament trait is showing up big for them. And then trying to apply that knowledge to whatever behavior or emotion I'm seeing. And then figuring it out rather than just assuming from the get go. Yeah, that some behavior I see is somebody acting doing this. Pushing my buttons. No, not pushing my buttons, simply acting on the temperament they were given. Yeah, acting upon the experiences as they know them. So that for me is kind of a good aha. Yes, yeah. Love
Lori Korthals:Yes, love that. Okay, well, we're gonna go through the next episodes, so we'll bring you back in a bit.
Mackenzie Johnson:Yes, so in episodes five and six, the last two we did of the season, we started to get more into the strategies. I was gonna say the practical, but they're all practical. It's just what part of it? So I would say, we looked more at the specifics of what do we do to promote regulation and kind of our two main themes were, we can set up an environment that supports regulation, and we can work on building our relationship and building secure attachment.
Lori Korthals:Yes, yes, exactly. So as I think about building the environment, okay, well, I'm not talking about building a room or a space. I'm actually really talking about building this supportive structure around them, this structure that says, hey, I'm going to help you. I'm going to build a safe space for you to make good decisions on your own. I'm going to offer you opportunities to make decisions on your own, we call that autonomy. I'm going to create this space for you to have some mastery or be able to learn how to do things all the way to the end. You're going to just feel so amazing after you complete these tasks. As the adult, I'm also going to help build this space that makes you feel like you're part of something and helps you belong. And all of these things play into regulation. So the idea that I can make decisions on my own helps me regulate. The idea that I can be masterful over something helps me with my regulation. And the idea that I can belong to something helps me with my regulation. Again, thinking about dysregulation, if I'm dysregulated, it also is impacting my ability to make decisions on my own. If I become dysregulated, I might not be able to finish the task at hand because I get too frustrated. If I become dysregulated, they might not want me to belong to their activity right now because I'm out of sorts.
Mackenzie Johnson:Yes, that goes two directions with self-determination theory and those basic needs.
Lori Korthals:Oh, that's right. That's right.
Mackenzie Johnson:Of those three basic needs. And yeah, that goes both directions. Well, and then we didn't feel like we could talk about regulation without talking about the relationship that caregivers have with their child. And yeah, for some parents, that's your biological child. And in some cases, it's a stepchild, or in some cases, it's a foster child. And, you know, in thinking about the relationship that you have and the relationship you can build, and we really focused on that attachment, which we know is important in those early years. But even when we maybe didn't have a child with us in those early years, whether they're adopted, or foster child, or we're caregiving for a child who is maybe in our family, but not our child. And that we can still build a solid attachment, a solid relationship with them, that can help them regulate. We have the opportunity to be responsive to their needs, and to be warm and to consider what they have going on. And that when we do that, there's a lot better opportunity for us to, as Barb reminds us, co-regulate. When we have a solid relationship where our kids believe, okay, they care about what's going on with me and they're responsive to my needs, they do hold appropriate expectations that I know they'll keep me safe. And that lets them know, okay, both I can fall apart here and I can regulate here. I can get help here. Yeah. So, you know, there's a lot of things built into that, a lot of strategies. And we do have a whole list of strategies from the whole season that we want to go to.
Lori Korthals:But first, let's bring her in. Bring back in Barb.
Mackenzie Johnson:We want to do one more reflection with Barb here on this season thinking all about regulation. So I have a question this time. Okay. So what perspective has changed for you on regulation since we've been doing this season? What about regulation? What's a perspective that's changed?
Lori Korthals:Okay, I'll go. I'll go, I'll go. Okay. So I believe that my perspective on regulation was really all about dysregulation. And in fact, I think early on there are things I kept saying, I kept inserting the word self-regulation. So it was all about me and myself and keeping myself regulated so that I wasn't dysregulated. But early on, we started to talk about alignments. Yes. And that idea that we align our behaviors to certain situations. We align our thoughts, we align our emotions. And so that really expanded, yes, there's still things about self-regulation and dysregulation, but this whole concept of, we do purposely align these three things so that we can be autonomous, have mastery, and belong, right? So we align our behavior, our emotions and our thinking so that we can make good decisions, be masterful, and belong. And so that was kind of that, huh? Wow, that's a whole lot of stuff besides just, I have self-control. That's mine.
Mackenzie Johnson:Yeah. What do you think Barb? You got one?
Barb Dunn Swanson:Yeah, I do. I just want to say, we don't feel the same things every day, all the time. There is room for different feelings, and there's certainly room for different behaviors. And not everything is always great. We have to help kids see that we are going to have disappointments along the way. Yes, we are going to become dysregulated over different events, over different experiences that we have. Yes. And then it comes to us as adults to model, okay, how do we move through that? You know, honor the feeling, honor the behavior as you see it, and then what tool do we have to move through it? How can we come out on the other end? And that's the co-regulating piece and the alignment? You know, if I were treated that way, I would feel the same as you are feeling right now. I'd be so disappointed. I'm not saying that, you know, we see kids hitting each other to get back what they need, or knocking over things that other kids have built as a way to get back. But what I'm saying is it's natural to have disappointment and sadness and anger from time to time and to acknowledge that. We can't take it away but we can acknowledge it. And then we can say, what can we do to come through it and to become reregulated again. You know, I was thinking as we were talking about this whole season, our society as a whole, it values our ability to be regulated. It does. It places a premium on all individuals to stay regulated. So when we become dysregulated, which is also natural, from time to time. You know, it's just acknowledging, okay, what are the resources I have? What are the tools I have? And what you're going to do next is continue to provide some of those strategies. That's the key. So I'll be ready to listen.
Mackenzie Johnson:Okay, mine goes very similar to yours, Lori? And, again, it's like I knew these things, but I hadn't connected all these dots. Yes. So a perspective that's changed for me is thinking about how expectations are directly related to regulation.
Lori Korthals:Yeah. Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Mackenzie Johnson:And I knew sometimes we need to check if our expectations are realistic, but I didn't connect it directly to their behavior or their attitude or their ability to pay attention. And so that realization of what you're regulating towards something, and that something is the expectations of the situation. And in a lot of cases as parents, we set that?
Lori Korthals:Oh, absolutely, we do, right? You don't have to be an expert in brain development to help
Mackenzie Johnson:Like the expectation is this, and that's set by the parent. And that's why there's more than one way because every parent can have different expectations. And so that's one part is like, oh, expectations and regulation. The other one is directly correlated. Okay. And then the other thing, and maybe this is just me being a dork, but I feel like I realized this season, we said early on we're not going to get into the technical side of it. We're not going to get into the effortfull control terms. Yes, you know, and I felt a little bit like, oh, then can I really say we're deep enough? Is that enough? And I really feel like coming through this season like we have and having the conversations we've had, having the knowledge without having the specifics of the terminology and feeling like an expert in all of it. Even without that, I've gotten a lot of tools and a lot of practical knowledge. Like, I can help my kids with regulation even if I don't know every term, or feel like I know every part of the brain that affects regulation. Yeah. And it's just like, maybe that's a silly thing to have put on myself anyway. But just like, it was just the perspective that I don't have to be an expert to help. I can help. your child regulate. Yes, exactly. Thank you for summarizing. Yes, yes. Oh, well. And I want to thank Barb one more time. You know, we've had so much fun having you on this season. Before we wrap up our Stop. Breathe. Talk. with Barb for the season, is there anything else you want to say to us about regulation.
Barb Dunn Swanson:I just thank you always for bringing the research to bear on what we want to consider for our families. Because you know what, then families have something to work with, they can decide what pieces fit their families once they know, you know, what are some key components that they can look for. Then they make the decision, this works for my child, this works for our family, and we get to decide. But again, it starts with some planning on our part at The Science of Parenting. And it's fun to be part of a team that works on these things together. So I'll look forward to what's down the road.
Mackenzie Johnson:Oh, thanks, friend. She gave us a beautiful segue to thinking about strategies here. We hope we filled your toolbox this season with all kinds of regulation tips and tricks. So we're gonna run down some of the things that we did talk about throughout the season, but we're gonna put them all in one big list here. Yes. All right, hit it. All right. In the first episode, there were two that came up, Stop. Breathe. Talk., of course, our favorite of regulation, temperament, like any strategies. Getting ourselves regulated, so we can parent and speak with intention. And then the second one is reasoning and internalizing. That when we give our kids reasons for our expectations, when we provide a reason for why we're going to do something the way we are, that helps our kids internalize those regulation behaviors and those attitudes instead of just, well, my mom says I can't hit so I guess I won't hit when she's around. So I won't hit right. Internalizing, like, I shouldn't hit because it hurts people, you know, and so that internalizing is a good trick to help kids regulate.
Lori Korthals:Yes. And then another strategy we talked about was mindfulness and mindfulness, honestly, is just as simple as thinking about what's happening right here and now. It's me focusing on recording this podcast, instead of thinking about the grocery list, or what's going to happen after the podcast recording, right? It's just what is happening right now and allowing ourselves to be right there for our children helps them with regulation. It helps us regulate, it helps us be in the moment and just present. It doesn't have to be a big practice, it can just be recognizing, hmm, here I am, and I am right here. Here I am. Yes. Another one was to model that regulation behavior. And, you know, again, like I said, that one came to me in terms of I can still do this for my 22 year old. Yes. It's not just about the younger children. It allows us to show and teach in the moment, while things are happening. Sharing with them that we need practice too.
Mackenzie Johnson:Yes. Well, and then we moved into thinking a little bit more about temperament, of course, and that we can use temperament to kind of tailor the regulation strategies that might fit best for our kids. And each of our kids if we have more than one because it might look different and likely does look different with one than another and so that we can use our temperament understanding to inform how we can help them regulate is a strategy. And then another strategy is to create an environment and create situations where our kids are able to have those three basic needs met. Those needs of being independent, or having autonomy, right? I make my own choices. I can influence the world around me for myself. And then yes, they can build skills, they can feel capable with their mastery. And they have connection to other people. They have belonging and hopefully connection to us parents, right? And so creating opportunities and hopefully a home environment that helps kids meet those three basic needs.
Lori Korthals:And I think then the next strategy is one of those basic strategies that doesn't take a lot of theory high tech software behind it. It's honestly just providing warmth and responsive care. I can help meet your needs. I can be here when you're sad. I can be here when you're afraid. I'll give you a hug if you need it. I will give you space if you need it. You know, just like what Barb said, the infant learns that when they do this, the adult can do this, and they begin to trust that we can provide for their needs.
Mackenzie Johnson:And I think it's important we have that here on the list so we don't undervalue it.
Lori Korthals:Exactly. It's a tool.
Mackenzie Johnson:It's a preface to helping kids regulate.
Lori Korthals:Yes, it is a real tool. Yes. And then we talked about in our temperament episode, the idea of repetitive motion. And that's really just, you know, as basic as rocking, swaying, as basic as that shushing sound to the infant because it sounds like the heartbeat. It can be something like repetitive swallowing. We talked about the soft palate and the brain and the nerves right there. Chewing gum, sucking on candy, sucking on a pacifier, sucking their thumb, so those repetitive motions are something that can really help teach children how to regulate themselves.
Mackenzie Johnson:Absolutely. And then a few more that we had in that episode of ways to help kids regulate, you know, we've talked about humor, and I'm really leaning into this one. But that's a strategy, we can help diffuse our kids. And yeah, I'm talking about it with a two year old, but it can work with a teen, right, it can work with a 10 year old. And so you know, the opportunity to use humor to help kids regulate, you know. And then we also talked about the change of scenery and how powerful that can be. And I think of times where we've just gotten in the car, like I don't even know where we're gonna go. Let's get in the car, and maybe we'll drive somewhere fun. And adults do that. Right? Sometimes people talk about, I just got in the car and started driving. Yes, right? Change of scenery is one strategy. And then of course, it only feels right as we said Stop. Breathe. Talk. first. Our last strategy, we should say is deep breaths. Yes, we model these and we can encourage our kids to use them. We, in our house when our kids are little and we're trying to teach them about deep breaths, we talk about breathing through a straw. But you have to kind of take that in slow because you can't get a lot of air or we talked about blowing up the balloon. Right? Yeah, push your air out. And so thinking about those deep breaths, and what that looks like for whatever age your kids are.
Lori Korthals:Yes, I love those strategies. All kinds, who knew we were going to come up with that many strategies when we started regulation?
Mackenzie Johnson:When we didn't know whether it was a season or an episode.
Lori Korthals:Exactly, exactly.
Mackenzie Johnson:So we do hope that fills your regulation toolbox. And yeah, maybe you're like breathing through a straw sounds like something I'm not interested in telling my kids. Maybe, you know, maybe some of these aren't for you. And that's all right, yeah, pick the ones that make you feel good, or the ones that are new to you, or just choose something that can help you and your child on this regulation journey.
Lori Korthals:Exactly. So that's a wrap for Season 9. Season 10. I mean, gosh, we've got some things in the works that we're excited to share with you, can't tell exactly what it is yet cause we might change our mind. So we're just going to leave Season 10 at that. You've got to come back. You got to see.
Mackenzie Johnson:Yes, we've had a lot of fun in Season 9. I feel obviously, as we talked through it, we've learned a lot. So yeah, for the Season 10 topic, come back and see, come back. Yeah, let's see.
Lori Korthals:So thanks for joining us today on The Science of Parenting podcast. And remember, you can join us on Facebook and Twitter at scienceofparent to see our content in your feed. And you know, you can stay caught up with us in between seasons by reading our blogs, and sharing information on those blogs, too. We like to have questions. We love when you send us, you know, you can also send us ideas.
Mackenzie Johnson:We love that. Please do come along with us as we tackle the ups and downs, the ins and outs, and the research and reality all around The Science of Parenting.
Anthony Santiago:The Science of Parenting is hosted by Lori Korthals and Mackenzie Johnson, produced by Mackenzie DeJong, with research and writing by Barbara Dunn Swanson. Send in questions and comments to parenting@iastate.edu and connect with us on Facebook and Twitter. This institution is an equal opportunity provider. For the full non-discrimination statement or accommodation inquiries go to www.extension.iastate.edu/diversity/ext.