Parenting the Newborn Stage | S.17 Ep.2

From diapers to development, we unpack what parenting in the newborn stage really looks like—routines, safety, sleep, feeding, and self-care. With research-based tips and real-life stories, you’ll learn simple ways to support healthy growth while balancing older siblings and your own wellbeing.

Transcript

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Welcome back to The Science of Parenting podcast, where we connect you with research based information that fits your family. We'll talk about the realities of being a parent and how research can help guide parenting decisions. I'm Mackenzie Dejong-Schelling, podcast co-host and a parenting educator. Back with us today for episode two is our friend Hailey Walker. I am so excited to talk about parenting. We talked a little bit to you about, with you about all of the aspects of this season, but I'm excited to dive in with you. So welcome back to the podcast, Hailey. Can you give us our, give our listeners just a little bit of a refresher on who you are. Yeah, hi, I'm Hailey Walker again, a parenting educator and now a mom of three. We have a ten year old son and seven year old daughter, and now we have a four month old baby girl. And we're just right in the thick of that adjustment phase, learning how to balance our newborn life with the needs of two very busy older kiddos. I am so excited to talk to you about parenting this age. You know, we've we've talked a little bit since you've been back about how things have been, but I'm excited to jump in and to be completely honest, because I know you so well, I have overthought how we are going to talk about this in a million different ways. Do we start with a definition? Do we do this? Do we do that? And I have to just stop myself, stop overthinking it, and just dive in. And really, I just want to ask you a question. What does it look like to parent a newborn? It's a good one. You know, parenting a newborn is so much. It's, it's that wild mix of things. The exhaustion, the love, the, the learning as we go. You know, all of the first that we're experiencing, it's really just figuring out a whole new person. And you know, what they like and what they don't like and what each of their cries mean. So it's a lot. It's overwhelming at times. But then, you know, they fall asleep on your chest and they kind of give you one of those little sleepy smiles and your heart just melts. So it’s messy, of course, it's, it's really beautiful and it's just life changing for sure. Oh, I love hearing just all of your insights on your first few months with the new little baby in your house, and I appreciate your realness and talking about it. I know that when you think about parenting often, when when you think about parenting a newborn specifically, we often think about“how are they eating, how are they sleeping, what are diapper changes look like?” But it sounds like there's so much more to it than that. And, you know, as you said that, I was thinking about one of the resources that as I was preparing for this that shared, the American Academy of Pediatrics, they have the infant parenting, which is like a guide. And it really reflected, it reflects what you said, right? Their guidance focuses on evidence based behaviors that support healthy development. And that is really, it was reflected in what you said. So to quote what they shared,“parents or guardians have the greatest and earliest influence on infants.” Yes.“Parenting during infancy involves things like modeling behaviors, healthy behaviors, establishing routines, and making decisions that shape the infant's nutrition activity and sleep patterns.” So the key components of that routine establishment, sleeping, eating, those sorts of things. Parental decision making that influence long term health outcomes and role modeling eating habits, physical activities and more. So let's start with that routine piece. What are some of the routines that you work to establish with your newborn? It's funny that you ask that because that's something that has just been changing and I was just talking to my husband about recently. Those first months, especially that first month, there's, there's not much routine, right? I'm learning a new person and what they like and how how, their sleep is going to look, how our feedings are going to look. And now that we're at that four month age, we are kind of settling into a routine. It’s not always spot on for sure. I'm not, I wouldn’t set my clock to it, but, but yeah, we're kind of getting into a rhythm of what our sleep schedule looks like. You know, naps and how often we're eating. So, yeah, it's starting to feel a little bit more natural, a little more comfortable. But in that first month, it's, it's more survival. Sure, but you started to get to know her and know her patterns and establish that routine around, you know, what works best for her. Kind of a side note, as you were saying, that maybe you don't set a clock for it. I know when Mackenzie Johnson was talking about her youngest, she would share that like she could set a clock with him. Like, he would be hungry three hours on the mark. So it depends on the kiddo, right? Like, but you're, you're working to establish those routines that work specifically for them. Yeah. And you know, I did mention okay, maybe, maybe there are lots of aspects of parenting an infant, but there's a little bit about that eat, eat, sleep and poop, right? Can comes with being humans. But there's more to it than just that, that body function. Right? It's a how we establish through those routines and how that helps them to be successful as they continue to grow. Yeah, it sounds crazy that at four months old, four months of age, that's what we're doing. But it helps set them up for success just as they continue to grow. Yeah, definitely. Another aspect of parenting is keeping your child safe, right? There's a word for that at this age. We call it baby-proofing. Something, I'm sure, many of heard. And we'll dive into this even more in depth in our next episode. But for you, Hailey, what are things that you do to make things safer for your baby? Yeah, so far, baby-proofing for us has really kind of started in shifts, right? We started with just making sure that she has a safe place to be away from our pets and our older kiddos as they're running around. We've definitely now started to shift our baby-proofing a bit, now that she's getting more curious and more grabby, she's reaching for things. So right now it's just keeping that that stuff out of reach. You know, cords, tiny toys, breakable, anythings you could grab and stick in her mouth. So, yeah, that's where we're at right now. Next up is probably covering outlets and, you know, trying to just stay ahead of whatever phase is coming next and what the next thing she can get to. I feel like I'm just kind of always scanning our, our house, you know?“Is that safe?”“Could that be a problem in the next couple months?” So it's a work in progress for sure, but we're figuring it out as we go. Speaking of figuring it out as you go, the last piece from that little chunk of American Academy of Pediatrics, is role modeling, right? So we talk about role modeling in a number of ways. But one of the aspects that we have talked about a lot within Science of Parenting and role modeling is how you are able to take care of yourself and model that for others. So you ever feel like parenting a newborn is not just caring for them, but also making sure that you're caring for yourself. Yeah, definitely. You know, taking care of a newborn and kids is really a 24-hour-a-day job. But I realized for myself, if I'm not doing a check in and making sure I'm doing all right, you know, I can really burn out fast. And in this time, in this stage with our kiddo, it's not just about keeping the baby fed and happy. It's really important that making sure that I'm alright, too. And that might even just be little things that I can do throughout the day, right? Taking a hot shower, stepping outside and sitting on the porch for a breath of fresh air. You know, that can really make a big difference in my day. So, sometimes it's easy to forget, which seems crazy because it's, it's our self, right? But, but yeah, that that's something that is really important because I can't take care of her as well as I'd like to, if I'm not taking care of myself. Absolutely, and I want to pause to reiterate that idea, right? New parents, it's not just okay or a luxury to take care of yourself, but it's actually really important and necessary, like Haley said, you're better able to care for that new baby and your, your other kids better if you are taking care of yourself. So don't want to harp on that too long, but just wanted to make that point, that we do see that, especially among our new moms, that you forget to take care of yourself. And it does end up in burnout, like you said. So, just wanted to make that point for our listeners. It's very important. So let's move on to another aspect of parenting a newborn that many parents experience. Not all of them, but many do. And that is parenting a newborn and adjusting when you already have older kids in the house, right? So not all newborns are only children. With that, let's transition right into a conversation on transitions. Yeah, I know that was kind of cheesy, but, it was the best way I could transition the transitions. So what Healy, does it look like for you to bring home, newborn when you already have kids? And how are you supporting everyone's emotional and developmental needs in this process? Mackenzie, there is so much going on with this transition that I'm not even sure where to start with that. Okay, so I said a lot and that was that, that was heavy. I'm sorry. So let's instead, let's shift to how we’re doing this. You're right. That was a lot. So what if I just pull out the research and then you can see if it reflects with your situation? Yes, please. I love the research. Let's do that. So let's start with the arrival of a new sibling is considered a major life transition for children. So according to the American Academy of Pediatrics, again, it can bring a mix of excitement, curiosity and also confusion or jealousy, especially in the first few months. Yeah, that sounds very familiar right now. That first month, I would say, yeah, probably about a month, was just full of excitement and curiosity. All that buildup throughout the pregnancy, to we have a newborn to bring home. It also happened to be the first days of summer vacation for my older kiddos. So our schedules and our routines really just got flipped upside down. Then after about a month, I did notice that new excitement, I hate to say wearing off, but wearing off a little bit and noticed some jealousy, especially from our seven year old, the previous baby. She's a very independent young lady. She likes to do her own thing. But since you brought baby sister home, she has, you know, wanted to be in my lap a little bit more often and just needing a little extra attention from mom. And that's a totally normal reaction. In some research from, again, more research, from the University of Michigan, they say that older siblings might actually regress in behaviors like potty training, sleep independence as they adjust. But, those behaviors are often just their way of asking for connection and reassurance. Yeah, totally. And, you know, I was just super proud of her for communicating those feelings to me. So we could connect and I could reassure her. There is a day where she actually just said, “mom, since the baby's been here, she's been taking a lot of your attention.” So, you know, one thing that kind of helped us was just naming what was happening. It might not be something I can change right now, but just putting a name to it, right? Saying, “yeah, it is hard when the baby needs so much of my time, isn't it,” or “I hear that you're feeling pretty left out right now.” So, you know, trying to validate first before rushing in to fix it or distract it. But yeah, I was really proud of her for working through those tough emotions when, you know, we were all, and we still are, on that emotional roller coaster of bringing a newborn home. Absolutely. And, you know, naming those feelings is such a powerful approach. And in the technical world, we sometimes call that emotion coaching. It's a way that we help kids feel seen, and that feeling of security helps then to adjust better over time. Something that you also mentioned was, at the start there, that was curiosity, but with that curiosity came some stress, or maybe for you, in keeping your newborn safe, when those other kids are full of energy and wonder. Yes, this is something that I definitely struggled with at first because it felt like I was doing a lot of correcting, you know, lots of, “don't do that,” of saying “be careful” 100 times a day. So I've been trying to, you know, do less of that and more of encouraging the behaviors that I love to see and explaining and educating about the why behind safety concerns. We love to know the why. Yeah. So I'll tell them, you know, how much I appreciate them being really gentle around her, around her head, or how great a job they did when they went to go wash their hands before they came to squeeze her little chunky cheeks. You know, those big kid germs can be too much for little babies. So yeah we talk about why it's important not to leave small things. My daughter has a lot of little tiny toys. So why, why she can't lay those around the baby, because even though right now, maybe she can't quite reach them, and soon she will be able to. And that'll be dangerous. So we're really practicing and preparing for the coming months. And I've also found that, like channeling their energy and redirecting it into task has really allowed them to be good helpers. And they love to help. So, you know, I maybe I'm giving them a task like,“can you bring me a diaper” or “do you want to sing a song“or read a book while I get the baby dressed?” You can really help them feel involved and important, and also is helping keep the baby safe at the same time. And that's supported by research too. Studies from Zero to Three have showing us that giving older siblings those age appropriate roles helps to promote bonding, reduce jealousy, increase empathy. When kids feel like a part of the caregiving team, they're more likely to show gentle behavior. So another common question that comes up is how can parents maintain quality time with those older kids when so much attention is going to the baby? It can be really one of the hardest parts? Yeah, I agree, that's tricky. One thing that really worked for us was planning some special time in the evenings for the older two kiddos, even if it was just 15 or 20 minutes a day, you know, letting them choose an activity. Maybe it's just reading a few books or playing pickleball, a quick bike ride, you know, whatever they're wanting to do. Sometimes that's together with all of us. Sometimes that's one-on-one with mom or dad, but, you know, we try to put our phones away and really focus on that one-on-one. It's not really about how much time we're getting to have, because we only have so much time in a day. But really focusing on making it feel full and connected while we're doing it. We also like to make sure that one of us is available to do the bedtime routine. So right now with baby, mom can’t always come down and do a bedtime routine so dad makes sure to have enough time to sit with both kiddos, maybe read a book, whatever that looks like. But making sure they know that, that we're here. Yeah. And that quality over quantity, right? Havard’s Center on the Developing Child has shown us that short but consistent one-on-one moments with parents do you still support children's emotional regulation and attachment, even during those times of family stress or transition. Yes, and I'm going to be honest, doesn't always look picture perfect for us, you know. Sometimes my new wearing is strapped to me in a baby carrier while we're playing. Sometimes my daughter might be holding the book and flipping through the pages while I'm feeding the baby and reading to her at the same time. It's chaotic. It's our life, you know? It's chaotic, but it counts. And we're still connecting. So yeah. Absolutely. And I would not expect it to be perfect. I actually would say that one of the big things that we talk about a lot, you've probably heard me say it or other co-hosts said that parenting is not about perfection, right? It's about those little moments. It's about being present in those moments. It's we're not about being perfect here. And sometimes, you know, just the little things can make a huge difference. Like, you know,“oh my goodness, it looks like you're drawing something over there. Tell me about your drawing,” right? So those things that we just are noticing and being present in those moments can really go a long way. Yeah, and that's what it looks like a lot. You know, I'm, I'm bouncing a baby, noticing,“oh, what are you playing with those two dolls,” or, “what did you draw?” My son likes to draw, so he's always drawing something. So, just making sure they, they hear, you know, that I'm still here, and I see them and what they're doing, and I care about what they're doing, too. Absolutely. So not about being perfect, but just trying to be there and catch those little moments. So, at this point in our normal episodes, you would say, “hey, now we're going to have our friend Hailey Walker pop in with us and do our stop, stop, breathe, talk moment,” but if you're listening or watching, you probably realize she's here already. And that is because this season we are going to have a great amount of guests join us, and just to kind of keep things a little more simple, we are going to do our stop, breathe, talk Kinda integrated into the episode, and I'll be just asking the question. So with that, it feels like I'm kind of going back to my producer ways, but I'm not just asking the question. So going, forward again, we'll just ask the question. So, Hailey, you get to the ask the question this time and not have to come up with a question. I’m ready. How can I help my older child cope with the changes a newborn brings without adding more stress to myself? That's a really good question. And it's something that I, I've asked myself a lot too, of course. And I think the short answer is to start with compassion, you know, for your child, but also for yourself. Big transitions don't always require big solutions, right? They require us being consistent and connecting and giving ourselves some grace. So, a few practical ideas on how to do that would just be setting up some simple routines, something your older kiddos can count on, like maybe a book before bed or a walk after dinner. Yeah. Something they can look forward to at a time that they know they're going to get to connect with mom or dad or whoever. Offer choices when possible. So maybe I'm going to ask my daughter, “hey, do you want to help me with bath time, or do you want to read a book while I feed the baby later,” or “do you want to pick out an outfit tonight, or do you wanna pick an outfit in the morning?” Whatever that looks like. You're just giving some choices. We love choices. Some choices. And most importantly, I think, would be to give yourself permission to just let some things go. I think that's probably what I learned most in this season. Not every moment needs to be teachable. Sometimes, you know, just being there is going to be enough. I love that, not every moment needs to be teachable. Just, just it's going to be okay. Another thing to keep in mind is that it's okay if that adjustment does take time. It's not going to happen overnight. We're new learning a new rhythm as a family. Everybody's roles are shifting. And guess what? That's normal. It's, it's part of growing together. So in summary, let's kind of wrap things up here. Let's recap a few of our takeaways today. Going back to parenting in newborn. The key components include routine establishment things like eating, sleeping, eating those sorts of things. But it also includes parental decision making that influences long term health outcomes and role modeling. So those eating habits, physical activity, caring for ourselves, being good role models. The arrival of a new sibling is a big transition for everybody, and our older kids might need extra reassurance, attention, and safe ways to connect with the baby. With those small, consistent moments of connection, help your older child feel secure and valued. And then lastly, you don't have to do it all at once. You're growing a family. You’re not building a machine. I love that, you know, this time can be so challenging, but it's also really beautiful. And we're helping our children learn about love and patience and family. And that does not come from being perfect, I know we've said that a few times, but it comes from showing up honestly and just being real. You know, as parents of a newborn, we're experiencing so much. So when appropriate, we do our best to be transparent and show our kiddos that bringing a new baby home can be challenging for us to, you know, when it comes to transitioning to life with a newborn, the biggest takeaway for me is really that there's nothing like seeing your first baby's love on your new baby. It's really been so special. Yeah. Oh, goodness. Just you said that and it just again, it just touches my heart as you talk about your kiddos in this new, new time in your life. So thank you, Hailey, for being here with us today and really sharing that real life wisdom that you're you're going through it and you're experiencing and learning alongside our listeners, so. Thank you also to our listeners, speaking of the listeners, for being here with us on The Science of Parenting. Be sure to check out our newly updated web page at www.scienceofparenting.org, where you can find our podcast episodes, our workshops, additional resources, and, new to the Science of Parenting, our new online self-paced courses. They're really neat, so be sure to check those out. So exciting. And as always, come along as we tackle the ups and downs, the ins and the outs, and the research and reality all around The Science of Parenting. The Science of Parenting is a research-based education program hosted by Mackenzie DeJong-Schelling, produced and edited by Brock Beirman, with contributions from Barbara Dunn-Swanson, Dr. Connie Beecher, Hailey Walker, and Morgan Newell. Send in questions and comments to parenting@iastate.edu and connect with us on Facebook. This program is brought to you by Iowa State University Extension and Outreach.