The Science of Parenting
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The Science of Parenting
Parent Self-Talk: Beyond Good and Bad | S. 4 Ep. 1
Self-talk is one of the most important conversations parents can have. Set yourself up for success with strategies to reframe your inner self-talk that sets the tone for how you respond or react to your children (and the entire family)!
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This institution is an equal opportunity provider. For the full non-discrimination statement or accommodation inquiries, go to www.extension.iastate.edu/diversity/ext
Hey, welcome to the Science of Parenting Podcast, where we give you research-based information that fits your family. We'll talk about the realities of being a parent, and how research can help guide our parenting decisions. I'm Mackenzie Johnson, parent of two littles with their own quirks. And I'm a parenting educator.
Lori Korthals:And I'm Lori Korthals, parent of three in three different life stages. One's launched, one is in college, and one is in high school. And today, we are excited to be launching a new season. We took a little break. We're happy to be back with you. And we are here at season four. So we're going to talk about all things related to research-based parenting approaches that have super easy steps to play along with, right?
Mackenzie Johnson:Yes, kicking off 2021 here. Yeah, and so we're gonna be talking about something called the RPM3, which sounds so technical. It's not technical. It's just an acronym for, like Lori said, this approach to parenting based in research. Lots of the researchers came together to come up with this model on what's great for parents and what's great for kids and come up with an easy way to remember it. So the RPM3 stands for things we do in our parenting right? Kind of those steps, tasks, whatever you want to call them. We respond, prevent, monitor, mentor, and model. So all things we're gonna dive into this season. But before we go all the way down that road, one thing that I think is really important to remember about this kind of parenting approach with the RPM3, is this idea, actually, that Rob Copeland talked about with us last season. He reminded us, in passing almost, that parenting requires a life long perspective.
Lori Hayungs:It does. It does. And that makes me feel better. Right?
Mackenzie Johnson:Right. This day is just one day and tomorrow's a new one. The culmination of all these days put together is what my kids are gonna look back on, right. It's how they're going to remember and the ways that we impact them. It's lifelong. It is absolutely, yes. So our parenting journey, I just like to remind everybody, when we're talking about these different aspects of this parenting approach, and all this stuff, parenting is a lifelong perspective. It's never an expectation, in that we're doing everything every day all the time, always perfect, which doesn't exist.
Lori Hayungs:Lifelong perspective. It is. And as we think about this, we also want to remember that this is research-based, but it's also when we look at The Science of Parenting, our values are about taking research and helping it fit into your own family. So we're also going to be reminding you constantly that this has to work for your family, these steps, these ideas. And so today, as we talk about that R, that respond, we are going to talk about ourselves, and how we talk about our parenting, that self talk, you know, that inner voice we hear. It talks to us after we've made a decision. It talks to us after we've acted in a certain way. We know that self talk can be positive or negative. And how we actually respond to that self talk is really important because it actually sets the tone even for how we respond to our children or our entire family.
Mackenzie Johnson:Yes, so that's kind of what we're going to talk about today. So before we dive into, you know, these kind of five parts, components, steps to this parenting approach, we want to talk a little bit about that self talk. And yeah, how we talk to ourselves and about ourselves and our parenting. And so we actually have our first little research tidbit, and actually most of this season is based off of one publication or whatever that came together with lots of researchers partnering with the Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, which is a part of the National Institutes of Health. Basically, lots of researchers and parenting came together to help put this kind of booklet together for parents. So lots of our research is going to be coming from that. And so I love to be able to say this next part, our first research tidbit comes from this, like researchers put together this publication and you know what it says? It says there's no perfect parents.
Lori Korthals:It does. It says that on page three, right?
Mackenzie Johnson:Right. There are no perfect parents. There are no perfect parents. So that is your first research-based. Not even one. And you know, that's a thing that like, Okay, I know that. This brain that I have that is sometimes logical knows, there are no perfect parents. But sometimes you know that you play that comparison game, whether it's like on social media or just when you're with people or you think about, I'm not doing what they're doing. Maybe I'm not doing a good job. And I know, there's not perfect parents, but I sometimes use that comparison to not be so kind to myself. Mm hmm. Yeah,
Lori Hayungs:Absolutely. And I think that if I could encourage you and tell you that, as your children grow older, how we let go of some of that comparison. And as I was thinking about this, I was thinking about that, you know, as children grow older, and we talk a lot about this, even in the toddler years, like we want children to make choices. And so essentially, our parenting is all about laying the foundation. But our children make choices, regardless of how we've laid the foundation. And so that comparison kind of stops being about our parenting skills, because our children have to take responsibility for their choices, too. And that's coming from a parent of older children, right?
Mackenzie Johnson:When we talked in one of our bonus episodes about routines, and how when kids are younger, there's so much routine care, right? Like the feedings, sleeping, playing, so much of that revolves around us as parents. And so it does give me hope that even now I'm empowering my kids with some choice. And as they get older, they will have more choice and therefore less pressure on me. But it is encouraging to think that self talk looks different as our kids get older. So depending as a parent where you're at wi
Lori Korthals:It does. h your kids and the ages they a e, what your self talk looks ike for each kid might look a little different, right? Is tha fair to say?
Lori Hayungs:It is fair to say and we can learn right now, regardless of the age that our children are, to talk nicer to ourselves and give ourselves more grace.
Mackenzie Johnson:Yes, yes. And that brings us right into the second research tidbit around this idea of self talk. Right. So first, we know there's no perfect parents. And so as we think about reflecting on our parenting, which is what we're going to do this season, and this idea of self talk is really how we reflect on it, and talk to ourselves about it. So interestingly, a lot of the research around self talk is based in sports or performance kind of stuff. So one researcher in particular, Dr. Hardy, defines this idea of self talk with a few things. Some of the important aspects of it include that they're verbalizations, or statements, addressed to ourselves, right? So maybe you say it to yourself out loud, or it's how you talk to yourself in your head,
Lori Hayungs:Right.
Mackenzie Johnson:Now, my inner monologue, it has a lot to say. Another part of this self talk is that it has an interpretive element, which basically, when we were talking through this episode, Barb reminded us that that's really related to how we assign value to it, right? So the things that we say to ourself about, I should have blank. It's not just that I say that. It's behind that, right. What I interpret from that is, I'm not good at this, or I didn't do a good job. There's that interpretation behind it and what it means. And those things are relevant, right? How we talk to ourselves has an impact on how we see ourselves, how we behave, you know. And then one other thing they talk about is whether we see our self talk as motivating or demotivating.
Lori Hayungs:Oh, you know, having teenagers in the house and multiple teenagers, I often will say to them, as I hear them talk to each other and talk about their day or something that happened, I've said this out loud. Don't let your brain hear that. You need to talk nicer about yourself. Oh, your brain just heard you say that about yourself. And that's not true. So don't let your brain hear that. We need to motivate ourselves, speak life on ourselves.
Mackenzie Johnson:Yes. And I even think the way, I would never talk to others sometimes the way I talk about myself. Boy, you know, I don't talk to people that way. And so that I should, yes, speak with a way that helps motivate me and I even think about like being stuck in the moments that passed during the day as opposed to like thinking about the moments to come. And so for me, that's part of the reflection too of like, if I just sit and reflect on, oh, today didn't go well or I was this or that, then it doesn't give me the opportunity to move forward. Like okay, so tomorrow I will or tomorrow I want to. To me, that's kind of the motivating thing, too, is past or future, things within my control, things that have passed, what do I want to do different next time? Yeah, I think that's an important part of that self talk. Yep. It's how we talk to each other. It's the value we assign, and whether we're motivating or demotivating ourselves.
Lori Hayungs:Yes, yes. So okay, let's talk about words. What kind of words do we use when we are self talking to ourselves about our parenting?
Mackenzie Johnson:Okay, so one that I use a lot and this can be negative or positive. And actually, you've scolded me for saying this. You were telling me, don't let my brain hear that. I say failing or parenting win. And so the parenting win is like a positive thing. So it's not that the self talk is always negative. But yeah, sometimes I'll use the terms like, failed or like a parenting fail, which maybe those aren't. They're funny words, but maybe they're
Lori Hayungs:But in the back of your brain, as you say them, you believe them. You believe them. You may have used humor as it came out of your mouth to someone else. But your brain said, actually, I really believe that about my parenting right this moment.
Mackenzie Johnson:Don't call me out like that. But you're right.
Lori Hayungs:So I think that for me, my self talk turns negative, especially when I think about being distracted. Maybe I'm trying to do two or 10 things at the same time. And that's a very bad habit of mine. Because I'm constantly doing, constantly doing, constantly doing, so if my children come to talk to me, I oftentimes don't stop doing and really giving them 100% of my attention. Rarely. And that's really frustrating to me because as a parenting educator, I think, well, Lori, you should know this. Like, why doesn't this just come very natural to you? And it doesn't, so I really need to work on that idea of not being distracted. Yeah.
Mackenzie Johnson:Okay. Can I like, okay, you called me out? Can I call you out? Something I just heard you say to yourself was that you should. Like, you should know, or you should. And I honestly, I feel like that phrase isn't good for us. Especially when we think about our parenting. It assigns guilt and blame without making a plan. Right?
Lori Korthals:Should and shame. They both start with sh, should and shame. Not allowed.
Mackenzie Johnson:Talking about rhyming and alliteration. My preschooler, should and shame, that's an alliteration. But so let's not should and shame. Yes. Because it is, I don't think it's helpful. And another word extra that I use for myself, I tend to say I was patient or impatient. And so, I should be more patient. I cannot tell you the number of times I say it to myself out loud, like, I should have been more patient. That's a should and it's not nice.
Lori Korthals:No, your brain doesn't need to hear that.
Mackenzie Johnson:And I think it's not a matter of, Okay, well, then if I never stop to think about my parenting, then I never get any better. Right. Okay, we're not saying that. No, we're saying we should have positive self talk. Right. Motivating self talk. And that might require us to flip some things around a little.
Lori Korthals:Yeah, let's flip some things around.
Mackenzie Johnson:Yeah, let's flip some things around. So luckily, we have some tools to do that. So a part of what we talk about instead of good and bad, right, these words, these negative words that we use of good and bad parenting, the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development offers us four other words to use instead. And these words are more concrete and science-based. So research that looks at what happens for kids and for parents related to certain behaviors and attitudes. These are four words that are based on that science.
Lori Hayungs:And thank goodness, there are four, more opportunities.
Mackenzie Johnson:Yes, so great things again from our lifelong perspective of parenting. So let's dive into these four words. I'll give you them off the bat and then we'll slow down and explain them a little. So the four words from this publication include consistent parenting, effective parenting, active parenting, and attentive parenting. So consistent, effective, active, attentive, and I can rattle them off like that because I say them to myself a lot. I do have to reframe and flip my brain around these four words fairly often. So that's why I can rattle them off in my vocabulary.
Lori Korthals:Consistent, effective, active, attentive, okay, got it.
Mackenzie Johnson:Okay, so we have the definitions that the authors give here. Do you want to kind of walk us through defining them and then just explain a little, just a little bit, because we are gonna dive in more at another point.
Lori Hayungs:Okay, so the first word is consistent. The definition we're looking at here for consistent is when we follow a similar principles or similar practices in our words, our actions, or we respond to our kids in a way that they always know what to expect from us. We are consistent.
Mackenzie Johnson:Yes. So I think of this particularly, and Barb gave us great input on this, as boundaries and behaviors we have as parents. So our boundaries, right? Can kids know what to expect because they're similar across different situations, and our boundaries and behaviors that we also practice them ourselves. Right? So what we say to our kids is what we do with our kids, and again, lifelong perspective. And so yep, so boundaries and behaviors are really important as we think about consistency. Our kids know what to expect because we are consistent in our boundaries and behaviors.
Lori Hayungs:Barb also said that our modeling shows our children that we live what we see, they live what we see, inside out with consistent as well, just that consistent. We're modeling. Alright, second word definition, effective. So effective means when our words and our actions actually influence our children in the way we want them to so they are effective.
Mackenzie Johnson:Yes, so basically, that the things, the strategies, the choices, the words, the goals, but the things that we set as parents, that they're influencing our kids how we hope, right. And again, what effective parenting looks like to me is going to look different than to everybody else. This is something, again, that is set only by our own definition, but that what we're trying to accomplish with our child, whether it's raising kids who share or raising safe drivers or kids that are kind, whatever the thing that you're working towards might be, that what we're trying to do, we're influencing our kids that way.
Lori Hayungs:Yes. And I feel like we need a special ringer bell every time we remind you that what you said, it works in your home, what works for you, it's your reality, like we need a ring. Yes, effective. Alright, so are you ready for the third one?
Mackenzie Johnson:I am. Okay.
Lori Hayungs:The third one is active. And this is are we participating in our child's life? That's the definition. Are we active?
Mackenzie Johnson:Yes. And so a lot of this has to do with kind of just general availability with our kids, right? And so this looks different in every family, right? Related to employment status, right, what our jobs require of us, what we do with our kids, what our kids are involved in. And so really, it's about availability, that your kids know you're there, that you are available when they need you, and participating in whatever that looks like for your kids. And it might even look different between your co-parents, right? The way that you're active might look different than the way your co-parent is active. And that's okay. Right? By your own definition.
Lori Hayungs:Absolutely. And you might be active differently for each child.
Mackenzie Johnson:Yes, it's different.
Lori Hayungs:Yes, it's different. Okay. I'm telling myself these things, right. Okay. So the fourth word then is attentive. The definition is paying attention to their life and observing what's going on.
Mackenzie Johnson:Yep. So again, this is just about being engaged, very similar to the active principle. So I would say active is about sometimes physical presence or mental emotional presence. And then the attentive is more about being engaged, right? I know what's going on with them. And kind of in tune, right, that I can check in with those things. Because I noticed these changes over time, I noticed these things they say, and so that's kind of that attentive versus just like the physically and emotionally present.
Lori Hayungs:Exactly. So I think there was a time where you called me out because I was having a really big negative self talk about not being attentive. Yeah. And essentially what you said to me was okay, but Lori, there's three other words. And so I think that as we just talked about these four words, that is my most favorite thing. That there are four words, or four different opportunities in one single moment. How about you? What do you like about these?
Mackenzie Johnson:Okay, honestly, I kind of love everything about these four words. But if I had to pick one thing in particular, I love that with these four words, instead of just like feeling bad or just some of the abstract words I might use to talk about my parenting, like bad or, like failing, that these are really concrete. And so that gives me something to do. Right? So I can say, I want to be more consistent. You know, instead of like, I should be good at this.
Lori Korthals:Say that again.
Mackenzie Johnson:I want to be more consistent not I should be good at this or I should have. It's like, tomorrow, I will.
Lori Korthals:Yes.
Mackenzie Johnson:I do. I think these words will give me a way to flip it. To say, this is specifically what happened. Look for the evidence and this is what I want to do now. Instead of just like stewing in my guilt.
Lori Hayungs:Yes. Oh, stealing in my guilt. Yes. The next time my teenager walks through the door, I will be more attentive. Instead of...oh, I totally missed out on the opportunity to talk to her about that this morning. Yes. Okay. podcast over, I got things to do.
Mackenzie Johnson:Yeah, we gotta go. We gotta go. This honestly brings us right to the your reality, right? So we kind of start to wrap things up with a strategy. So okay, cool. You told us there's no perfect parents. You told us what self talk is, what it includes. And you gave us these four words that are research-based about our parenting. What do we do about that? Well, we can reframe our reflections which you kind of just heard Lori and I start to do already, right. And so we can reframe them, we can stop using those words, good and bad. And start using these four words instead. So I know for me, I just tend to do it at the end of the day. Like at the end of the day, I'm laying in bed and I'm like, Oh, I was kind of a grouch. But I reflect on it, that's when I do it. And so I think about that mindset, and it's like, you know, instead of, I was a grouch, or like I said my word impatient or patient. Instead of that, I can say, I want to be more consistent, right? So the way my child when this happens with my child, I want them to know, this is the reaction they can expect from me. So that's a part of being patient. I want to be more consistent, instead of I was impatient today. Absolutely. Mm hmm.
Lori Korthals:That's a great way to talk nicely to your brain. I want to be, I will be more attentive when she comes home from school today, or I will be more attentive when I sense that there's a bigger issue. Yes. And you know, some days I feel better about the other three words. I feel better about being consistent and being effective and being active. And so we also need to celebrate those moments, don't you think? Yes, we like celebrate the fact that we feel great about three. Thinking about just that one. Frame it, I will do attentive differently. And wow, look at what I did with the other three.
Mackenzie Johnson:Yes, yes. And I even think, you know, the other one I talked about was like, parenting fail or parenting that I may be saying as a joke. But that really is talking about being effective, right? Like what I was trying to accomplish was getting us out the door on time, like, got us out the door on time. And so that really is effective. And so yeah, I might say, it's not about never reflecting on what happened, right? I might say exactly what I tried yesterday, when I lost my cool and was short, was not effective at getting us out the door. Tomorrow, I will try. And today, I was attentive when she was telling me this in the car and I was attentive or active when we did this thing together. Like it's a whole picture.
Lori Hayungs:And I was consistent when I told my child they couldn't have the most expensive pair of volleyball shoes on the website. Exactly. Right. Yes. I'm going to feel good about being consistent.
Mackenzie Johnson:Yes. So lots to celebrate across these kind of forwards. And yeah, again, we just want to take a second as we think about reframing our reflections to remind you, this is all by your own definition, right? Every family is unique, every kid is unique. And that means only you and your co-parent are the right people to define these terms for yourself. Whether you're married, single, divorced, widowed, blended, fostering, grandparenting adoptive biological, any of them.
Lori Korthals:All the alls.
Mackenzie Johnson:All the alls. You get to decide how these four words make sense for you, and how this approach to parenting that we're going to be talking about this season makes sense for you. Every family's journey is unique. And you guys get to define that for yourself.
Lori Hayungs:So since Mackenzie DeJong has been gone so long, maybe she won't show up this time and we're free and clear of being put on the spot, right?
Mackenzie Johnson:Stop. Breath. Talk. moment today.
Mackenzie DeJong:You can't get rid of me that easy. Hello. So today, I'm going to just keep kind of going with what you've been talking about. But I want you because we so often say that we have to be good models for children. So I want you...
Mackenzie Johnson:That sounds like a should.
Mackenzie DeJong:We want to be good models for our children. So I don't know how to react to that so I'm just gonna carry on. I want you two to be good models for our listeners of positive self talk. So I know you've kind of said, Oh, it could look like this. So I'm going to have you each and you can split it up how you want, maybe you each take two, we're going to be giving yourself positive self talk on these four things.
Mackenzie Johnson:I have one. This week, my child, I offered them a choice between two things. And they chose something that wasn't one of the choices. And my usual way that I do things is like these are the choices, you may choose one of them. If you don't choose, I will choose, right? Lori taught me this. If you don't choose one of them, I will choose. And they refused to choose one of the two choices. And my life would have been easier if I would have just accepted their third choice, to be honest. But I was consistent in that when I say there's two choices, these are the choices. And you know that's what to expect. And when I say, I will choose this, I choose it. And so I was consistent this week, when that happened in our family.
Lori Hayungs:Yay. I think that was good that you took consistency, because I'll tell you that I've been really good at consistency. That was an easy one for me all along, consistent. I can be consistent.
Mackenzie DeJong:All right, Lori. So which of the other three would you like to do?
Lori Hayungs:Oh, attentive.
Mackenzie Johnson:Oh, hey, no shoulding. You are attentive, lifelong perspective.
Lori Hayungs:I know that I was attentive, I think it was maybe just a couple of weeks ago, I was attentive, when I really had a deadline to meet on a paper I was writing. And I could sense that my teenager had some issue that she was trying to work through, but didn't want to bother me. And I remember literally thinking, you know what, she has got something that she is beating around the bush for, trying to get me to talk about, but she doesn't know how to open the conversation. I need to be attentive and close my computer. I saved my work first. I closed my computer, and I actually removed it from my line of sight so that I could be attentive and have a conversation about what was really bothering her.
Mackenzie Johnson:You were attentive! We know we have lots of these moments that build up.
Lori Hayungs:Yes. I think that when it comes to active we have a lot of shoulds, like I should have been at that game, I should have been the concert, I should have been there and they wouldn't have gotten hurt. But there are lots and lots of ways that we are active in our children's life. And being a parent does not mean that we have to be active 24/7, especially as children grow. Like they get to do things on their own. Right? They get to make choices on their own. And so being active means showing up and how and when we show up is going to be different for all of us. It's going to be different in all of our different family dynamics, the way our families what we define as family and so how do you define active in your family, do not compare that to someone else's active. Yes, that's really important.
Mackenzie DeJong:And I would say that makes me think of when we talked about activity level for temperament, I always said, I felt so bad because like my nephew runs circles around me and I just feel guilty that I like don't have the energy always to like, get up and go with him.
Mackenzie Johnson:Yeah, that's a should.
Mackenzie DeJong:That was a should. And being active doesn't necessarily mean that I'm getting up and running around with him. But if I'm there with him, encouraging him, or I'm, you know, I'm showing up even at their house to be to be there with them.
Lori Hayungs:And active might mean that you literally took the child from one place to the other. And it's okay if you didn't go in and you went and ran errands then. You know what, that's okay. Because you had that time in the car right there where you are attentive and active and present. And maybe you had a really great conversation.
Mackenzie Johnson:Yes, I'll say and active can be as simple as sometimes it's showing up. Mm hmm. Right. And you talk about the number of activities that your kids have been involved in throughout life, and it's not that I was at every single ballgame, it's that my kids knew they could count on me and I'm available for them.
Mackenzie DeJong:Yes. Yeah.
Mackenzie Johnson:I have one for effective that kind of comes to mind with my little kids, thinking about influencing my kids the way that I hope, you know, getting towards outcomes, I think of bedtime routines and sleep. Which actually is funny, because when my kids were infants, it's like, I feel ineffective. Why aren't my children sleeping? But thinking about bedtime and just like those routines, that's influencing my kids the way I hope that I am in control that I'm like, offering environments for them to sleep and get adequate sleep. And I can't control whether or not they choose, I can't make them sleep, but like feeling effective, and okay, we wind down for bed, things get quiet, right? We have kind of that special time reading books together. And so yeah, I actually, surprisingly, that's an area that I feel effective in that kind of bedtime routine that we have in our house.
Lori Hayungs:Yes, temperament really bumps into that effect a lot.
Mackenzie DeJong:Funny how that comes to play when we're not on a temperament season.
Lori Korthals:That's always there. It's always there.
Mackenzie Johnson:Awesome. Thank you, Kenz.
Mackenzie DeJong:And thank you for modeling for us.
Lori Hayungs:I felt off practice.
Mackenzie Johnson:It's good practice. Well, and we love having our producer Mackenzie come in for that little Stop. Breathe. Talk. moment, helping us slow down and think through some of the things with some examples and stuff like that. So we love having Mackenzie come in, even if we tease her that we want her to go away. So thanks for hanging out with us this week. You know, we've covered this first kickoff, our first episode in 2021. Thinking about this approach to parenting, talking through how we reflect on our parenting and that self talk. No perfect parents, we want to be kind to ourselves with the self talk and reframe those reflections, positive or negative, to being more concrete and science-based with those four words of consistent, effective, active, attentive. And coming up the rest of the season, we're going to dig in more to this RPM3 approach to parenting. So this was just the kickoff. It's kind of the words that describe this kind of parenting. So we got to use these four words from that model. And we're going to use this approach through the rest of the season as we dive in more. So next week is responding so you have come back to hear more about responding.
Lori Korthals:It's going to be a great season. So thank you for joining us today on The Science of Parenting podcast. And remember to subscribe to our weekly audio podcast on Apple, Spotify or your favorite podcast app, and watch the show each week. You can join us on Facebook as you watch us there. We're also on Twitter at The Science of Parenting and you can see us on your content feed.
Mackenzie Johnson:Yes, so please come along with us as we tackle the ups and downs, the ins and outs and the research and reality all around The Science of Parenting.
Anthony Santiago:The Science of Parenting is a research-based education program hosted by Lori Korthals and Mackenzie Johnson, produced by Mackenzie DeJong, with research and writing by Barbara Dunn Swanson. Send in questions and comments to parenting@iastate.edu and connect with us on Facebook and Twitter. This program is brought to you by Iowa State University Extension and Outreach. This institution is an equal opportunity provider. For the full non discrimination statement or accommodation inquiries, go to www.extension.iastate.edu/diversity/ext