Utilizing Routines and Rituals | S.6 Ep.4

When everything around us feels chaotic, there are a few tasks we can utilize to helps us find some consistency and connectedness. Come hear how rituals and routines can help families find a sense of normalcy! 

Transcript

Mackenzie Johnson: 0:09

Hey, welcome to The Science of Parenting podcast where we connect you with research based information that fits your family. We are going to talk about the realities of being a parent and how research can help guide our parenting decisions. I'm Mackenzie Johnson, parent of two littles with their own quirks. And I'm a parenting educator.

Lori Korthals: 0:26

And I'm Lori Korthals, parent of three in two different life stages. Two are launched, and one is still in high school, and I am a parenting educator. And today we are going to continue our conversation about the research and reality around resilience. Specifically, today we're going to talk about the importance of routines and rituals and how they can help us create resilience.

Mackenzie Johnson: 0:52

Oh, yes. right at the beginning of this season, I mean, we're still talking about resilience and parenting through tough times. But yeah, we started off really looking at what is resilience? What are risk and protective factors? And now, what are the tools we have to get through these tough times that come our way. We really focus on research based strategies and information to help inform our parenting and getting through a tough time, like maybe a pandemic or something like that. Maybe that it's an experience we've all been living in, but that our individual experiences look different. You know, lots of things support, the relationships that you have, finances, time, your job, I mean, heck, even things like your geography, where you physically live, can be a factor. And so instead of pretending that we can say this is what every single person needs to do in every single unique situation. Instead of doing that, we're going to talk about what does research tell us that fills that toolbox for us to tap into so we can get through kind of whatever tough times come our way.

Lori Korthals: 1:59

Absolutely. And honestly, this idea of parenting through tough times comes down to how do I continue to be the parent I want to be, even when things are tough. And we know every parenting journey won't always be easy, but we hope that we can help fill your toolbox for those tough times. And before we get too far, I just want to share with those of you who are thinking, I stink at routines, we don't have any family rituals. Um, let me tell you that I can relate, right? Because this was kind of a tough episode for us to walk through and I had to dig deep and think about and even asked my older children, what do you remember as routines and rituals in our family? And I have to think back to my own childhood, and what kind of things I remember with routines and rituals. And one thing that our producer, Mackenzie DeJong, said that kind of is still ringing around my brain is that if your kids can always count on you, your ritual is to be spontaneous and fun. And so yes, that is something that they can count on as a ritual. It's a routine. They know that in any given moment, if they wanted to switch directions, they could go to you and switch directions. So hang with us, even if you feel like you can't find those routines and rituals right at your fingertips.

Mackenzie Johnson: 3:31

Oh, yes. The last thing we want to do as we talk through this is put any shame on anybody, you know, each of these episodes. I think even as I think back through all the episodes we've done, there's ones that I'm like, this maybe wasn't my strong suit. But like, but that's okay, like not every single thing can be my strong suit. And so yeah, one tool, or I guess this is kind of two tools can use, rituals and routines. So yes, and you guys might remember, we kind of talked about this in season one, right? We did.

Lori Korthals: 4:03

Yes, we had a couple of bonus episodes. And what we want to do is take a fresh look at these. It's been over a year since we had the bonus episodes, and we kind of want to look at routines and rituals and compare them side by side. How about that?

Mackenzie Johnson: 4:20

Yes, because we did, we did like a really specific bonus episode on rituals, talking about missing out on big moments, again, like height of the pandemic, March, April of 2020. And okay, yes, we looked at them specifically in the context of the pandemic. Let's look at them together. And kind of do a side by side comparison, in general, in general for tough times. So, according to a literature review by Fiese and colleagues, there's three characteristics that are shared across rituals and routines. So we'll kind of define them a little bit by these three, communication, commitment, and continuity.

Lori Korthals: 4:58

Communication, commitment and continuity. Okay, got it?

Mackenzie Johnson: 5:02

Yes, I think that counts is a framework.

Lori Korthals: 5:05

I think it does count as a framework.

Mackenzie Johnson: 5:08

Okay, so let's look first at communication. What do rituals and routines communicate to us as families? So for rituals, the communication is really about the meaning behind it. They're very symbolic, kind of a representation of who we are. You know, Fiese and colleagues gave examples about how we celebrate holidays, how we celebrate milestones, you know, those kind of meaningful interactions that we have. Things like even weddings, funerals, rites of passage, it's about what they represent, right? And that's different from routines, which are very instrumental. They are much more about like conveying information to each other. It's basically like, this is what we got to do this, will we get done? Yes. And away we go. Yes, we got to do this. And so that's different than commitment, which is our second C. So for rituals, as we think about the commitment that happens with them, we think about them as being enduring and an affective. Basically, rituals make us feel something. They have this kind of lasting impact as we think about that commitment of like, I can look back and remember this fondly. Versus the routines that tend to be more, they say, perfunctory and momentary. It involves basically this moment in time. That's the commitment we have to it is like, Okay, we got to make supper, like, here we go. And then it's not necessarily given a lot of thought after the fact, versus the rituals have got more of that meaning and commitment of lasting over time. And then our third C is continuity. So for rituals, they extend across generations, okay? Yes, yes, yes. And so I even think of like at weddings, when families get the chance to pass down the something borrowed from, you know, a previous generation, or that they get to do something in a similar way that their parents had done it, or that their aunt or uncle or even their siblings, right, but that over time, and over generations, that families passed down these rituals. And we know those rituals can be really tied to culture, right? Culture is a huge part of our rituals. And this is similar in that this is something I'll get to look forward to, or something we'll look back on for those rituals. But different than our routines. Still about a pattern but this pattern is more about an observable pattern. I like to think of it as like, if my friend came to live in my house for a week, what are the daily patterns they'd see? Yeah, they're more of the routines, they're more functional. So rituals are really about symbolic meaning. That kind of connectedness across generations, they have that emotional impact. And routines are more about the functional stuff, we get done, stuff we got to do, kind of daily patterns. So they're similar in a lot of ways, but also different in a lot of ways. So clear as mud. You're welcome. Um, but one thing I do think is interesting that we didn't get to talk about in season one was that Fiese and colleagues mentioned that some things can be both Some tasks can be both a routine, like it's the stuff you got to get done, but then over time, it becomes this ritual of connectedness and meaning. So I like in my house, I hope, I guess I don't really know, I think of bedtime this way. So at bedtime, it's like a routine, right? We've got to brush teeth, we've got to put on pajamas, we've got to do all that kind of stuff. You've got to sleep, both for me and for you, child. Like you got to go to bed. And, um, but also we do some connection kind of stuff. Like, we usually sing a song or we snuggle and we chat. But we have these little moments of connection. So that's something in our family that my co-parent and I both kind of try to invest in that. I could see where this routine and a ritual overlap. Like there's this meaning and symbolism behind ending the day together. But also it's like very functional of like, brush your teeth kid, right? So that's where they can meet and overlap. What about you?

Lori Korthals: 9:23

So with my youngest daughter who happens to be in high school, I think I find an overlap in that routine of getting her to practices, and driving her home from practices. So that routine of Yeah, we got to get this done. Like get in the car. Let's roll. We got all your stuff, the checklist, the checklist, right? Then that ritual of after practice, it's been you know, so what was your favorite part of practice? What did you learn? What was something new you learned? And I ended up asking some similar questions each time and I think she's become used to me asking those questions. Yes. What was something that was hard? What was something that was easy? How do you, you know, how do you feel or perceive your level of commitment to practice was? Yes. So, I see that that's an overlap of both a ritual and routine.

Mackenzie Johnson: 10:21

Yes, I was. And we know like, right, I have little kids, your kids are older. And that's something, again, that the research says on routines is like, routines when kids are little require a lot more parents, there's a lot more of them. All these things, like, they get different and kind of fade apart as you get older. And it's not that you don't have them, they just are different, like, it's time.

Lori Korthals: 10:43

Absolutely. And I was thinking back to one of my own with my mom. And so, you know, way back when, right? Our ritual and routine so the routine was kind of like dinnertime, right around there. But that was never at the same time because my mom worked. And so you know, it might be six o'clock, it might be eight o'clock. It just depended on when she got home from work. But the one thing was for certain that we would have dinner at some point in time, and we would watch on the VCR the day's soap operas. And so she would record soap operas for a couple hours each day, and at night, we would sit on the couch together with our TV trays with food and watch the soap operas. So that's another way that you can look at routines and rituals and say, yes, they overlap. And they are different. And that's okay.

Mackenzie Johnson: 11:43

Oh, yeah. And like, yeah, we don't know, I think of the things that I look back on in how I grew up as the routines. I have a single parent or grew up with a single parent. And she commuted when I was really young and so I had siblings that put me to bed. My older sister read me a book every single night because that was around the age where she was really learning and getting excited about reading. And like, yeah, that wasn't my mom. And it was a meaningful ritual for me. It was a point of connection and resilience. And then as I got older, my mom's job, kind of like your mom, in that, maybe we'll eat at five, maybe we'll eat at eight. Maybe we need to figure out dinner on our own tonight. Right? And there wasn't a routine ritual. Sometimes it's like, Okay, we got 10 minutes. Yes. Fine. Like it can look different. It doesn't need to be the same thing for everybody. Absolutely. Yes.

Lori Korthals: 12:40

It's a ritual to them, regardless of what they look like.

Mackenzie Johnson: 12:44

Yes, regardless of how they look for your family. The research does tell us there's lots of benefits to them. So in an effort to summarize all these findings, Fiese took all this research on routines and rituals for families over 50 years. And they said that some of the benefits, they tried to summarize it, and so they said, although families may be challenged to meet the busy demands of juggling work and home, there is reason to believe that routines and rituals may ease the stress of daily living. Hmm, yes. And so, yes, like it is, it's a thing that we have to choose. You know, I can say that for some people, it does come very naturally depending on their temperament. A routine just feels good. It's the way we do things. I even think of between my siblings and I, some of us are much more schedule people. I'm not really a schedule person. Not that I don't get places when I need to. But I operate more in the loose routine pattern than the schedule over time. Yeah, but I even think of like, we have kind of a loose routine in our home. We are both working parents and from five to eight, which for us is when we get home to around the time our kids go to bed. We have a loose routine, right? We know we're usually going to try to eat something, we're usually going to do a bedtime routine. There's usually some kind of play or TV watching or there's some kind of leisure. And it's not like we don't operate on a schedule of this, this, this. But we do have a loose pattern. And I think of how when we are able to continue to use that, how it does ease the stress, like I know these are the things we'll do. These are the things we can expect. And even if it's not the same all the time, it's a loose pattern that does ease some of the stress of doing those things. It does. Absolutely, yeah, an example.

Lori Korthals: 14:42

Yeah. That's it.

Mackenzie Johnson: 14:44

So there's even more on it, though, right?

Lori Korthals: 14:46

There is and so as we talk about those benefits, there's similar studies, same folks, right, that as much as we can maintain some semblance of normality or create this new normal, essentially, rituals and routines have been identified as the core feature of family resilience in times of stress. And so, you know, essentially what they're saying is that when things are stressful and chaotic, we actually can use rituals or routines to help us get through that stress. So we can tap into those rituals or routines, and help give ourself a breath, help us begin to feel some sense of normalcy, or that loose pattern, like you said, looking as our strength.

Mackenzie Johnson: 15:41

Yes, and I think a really important word that you said there is we can, like, not should, not have to, not bad if you don't do it, right? None of those things. We can, this is one option. So there's a lot more research, like, gosh, I could have basically just cited the whole article for this episode here. But I do have some research tidbits that I thought were really interesting relating to rituals and tough times, specifically, like when things are hard and when things are stressful. And even this morning as we were walking through it, I was like, guys, I can't choose. I can't choose which one. So we're gonna tell you them all.

Lori Korthals: 16:29

Permission for flexible thinking here.

Mackenzie Johnson: 16:31

Yes, yes, flexible thinking. So if you research tidbits about stress and tough times and how rituals and routines fit in. So one, specifically about the pandemic, which we've been citing kind of all throughout this season, is an article by Prime, Wade, and Browne. And they tell us related to the pandemic, that the effects of isolation and confinement associated with the COVID-19 crisis caused profound changes to family routines and rituals that were often taken for granted.

Lori Korthals: 17:05

Hmm, absolutely. I can see that.

Mackenzie Johnson: 17:09

Yes. And I even think of like, we had family members getting married in 2020. We had family members choose not to get married in 2020. And that's a ritual, a wedding is a ritual, you know, the rites of passage of getting to compete at the state level for an athletic event, or, you know, even commencement. We know that that's a ritual, right? Walking across the stage and getting your diploma is much more about what it represents. Right. This passing to the next stage. That's why we turn the tassel, right. Yes. You know, that's definitely a ritual. And, yeah, prior to that, it, I took it for granted. Absolutely. This a thing everybody gets to do. I even think of college graduations. Some people were like, I'm the first in my family to graduate from college. And I don't have a commencement ceremony. We've all looked forward to this. And so there was a sense of loss. And it did definitely make us realize that there were rituals and routines, right, the normalcy that we lost that were affected by the pandemic.

Lori Korthals: 18:11

Yes. And we got to opt in and out of them. Right? Yes. And then the pandemic was there, and there was no opting in or out. And that felt that felt hard.

Mackenzie Johnson: 18:23

Yes. Like, I could say, I'm sorry, I can't come to this family holiday because whatever. Oh, okay. There is no family holiday. Like there is no family gathering to celebrate. So definitely, we saw rituals and routines get all mixed upduring the pandemic.

Lori Korthals: 18:40

We did. So I'm going to share your second tidbit that you grabbed on to and this one is actually from 1987. So a whole different set of stress and tough times happening in the late 80s. Right. And so, what they noted even back then was that the first thing to go, the first thing to, you know, hit the road during tough times was routines. So that's important to me, especially because as we think about our tough times, we can suddenly become very shameful or guilty or put a lot of judgment on ourselves. Because we suddenly aren't doing the routine that we always do, or we suddenly aren't having the rituals or don't feel the sense of commitment to those rituals while we're experiencing that tough time. And research says Guess what? You're normal, right? So it's so awesome to feel like okay, hmm, stressful time. I completely forgot about this ritual. And now I'm going to shame and judge myself for forgetting about it. Research says no. Actually, lots of people do that. And it's okay.

Mackenzie Johnson: 19:51

No judgement. Yeah, those routines are the first thing to sneak out the window there. Going back to the pandemic, I think of when we had to quarantine several times because of potential exposure, several, several. But I think of how that kind of messed with our normal routines of getting out the door to go to childcare and school. Oh, no, not doing that. And even just my work pattern and routines that normally while my children were cared for, you know, and learning in another environment, like, Oh, no, not that. And suddenly, you want to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner here? I don't know. You know, but I do. When things get stressful, routines, the research tells us routines are often that first thing out the window. They go, so that happens. So the other thing that I thought was an interesting kind of difference that they pointed out in this article was that they said when routines are disrupted, it's a hassle. Right? It's inconvenient, things feel a little chaotic. When rituals are disrupted, there's more of a threat to group cohesion. Okay, so yeah, here's an explanation of this. So we see how routines get disrupted, right, even like during normal times, right? I even think of how our routines look different in the summer than they do in the winter, even normal, not, quote, unquote, tough times. And so we see how routines get disrupted. But we know that rituals are different and carry a little bit more weight. Like the difference between forgetting to have your child brush their teeth one morning. Yes. And the difference between forgetting their birthday, right? Yes. And it's not a matter of like, Whoa, gosh, you're bad, right? Because we don't use that. We don't say that. But we know that there's a difference if we have to choose between choosing the routines right now or finding a way to celebrate whether it's in a different way. A ritual, we know that the rituals do carry a little more weight in terms of what they mean over time. Absolutely. I thought that was interesting insight to consider, like, okay, yeah, even if it's maybe a ritual, I don't think is a huge deal. Like prom, we talked about that last year because we were in the spring season, but things that are like, I mean, that wasn't a thing I ever cared about. Well, rituals carry a little more weight. So we want to make sure if we have to choose, we can try to prioritize those a little bit.

Lori Korthals: 22:25

Forego the shower and get to the game on time, right?

Mackenzie Johnson: 22:31

Definitely, definitely that.

Lori Korthals: 22:36

So that kind of brings us into our strategies portion of our podcast. We've kind of been giving you a little bit of strategies along the way. But in our previous bonus episodes on these two ideas of routines and rituals, we dove into how to really examine each of these for your own family. So you can go back and listen to those two. They're short bonus episodes and get that information. But we wanted to bring you a different strategy this time. Now that we're more than a year later and it's actually even simpler this time around. So these are around utilizing routines to help our kids experience consistency, and utilizing rituals to help our families build build belonging and cohesion.

Mackenzie Johnson: 23:20

Absolutely. So starting with, okay, you told me all this stuff about routines and rituals, let's start with those routines. You heard all this research. Now, practically in your everyday life, in your own reality, we can use these routines to find some consistency and normalcy during tough times. You know, we can say, I even think of like, when a basement floods. Things feel chaotic, not that that would ever happen. Ever, like every season, but whatever. But as we think about stuff like that, like, okay, things are stressful. We've got a lot to coordinate, to figure out, take care. Okay, I can choose to prioritize a certain routine, right? I will say, you know what, getting to bed on time is what my family would benefit most from or, like, my kids are older, but they're staying somewhere else. And this and that, all that stuff. And you know what, I will choose that we will have a point of connection every day during the day. I'll tell them Good morning. So you can say I want to create, even if it's just a really functional thing of getting ready in the morning or brushing teeth, you can lean into and utilize those routines to create a feeling of consistency and normalcy.

Lori Korthals: 24:37

Yes. Okay. So I have kind of a different example. And this would be around the time I only had two children, so my oldest and my middle daughter. And again, my middle daughter has special needs. And so there were lots of tough times when it came to routines. And so one of the things, because I did have to ask my oldest daughter, I was kind of at a loss for what types of routines does she remember? Because I was maybe shaming myself about not having the right routines. No bad. She grew up. Right. And so one of the things that she talked about was watching animal shows with meerkats and crocodiles and how that was just a given. Anytime those would be on, we might even stop what we were doing, and sit and watch these animal shows. And the more I thought about it, the more I thought, you know, oftentimes, those were on in that crisis hours, right after naptime and before dinner, and transition times, transition times, right, especially late in the afternoon. And I know those were really rough times for my middle daughter and her special need. And so I can see where we took that tough time and just began to create consistency. Like, oh, it's time to watch the meerkat and we're gonna sit and watch the meerkats. Yes. Love that this was something that she came up with when I asked her. Because for those of us who know her, she's a zookeeper. Yes. How cool is it that this consistent routine was something that actually ended up shaping her career, her career desire, etc. So that experience of consistency, again, looks different in tough times, but that was a real tough time on a regular basis, that part of the day.

Mackenzie Johnson: 26:44

Yes. And it served a very functional purpose for you like, Okay, this is hard right now. I need to reduce some of the demand on me. Yes. Like hanging out with these meerkats, hang out with those crocodiles? And then yeah, but that had power and joy, and we just don't know. We don't know what our kids are gonna take. I love that.

Lori Korthals: 27:09

Okay, so the second strategy is the idea of using rituals to help build belonging. So we're using routines to help experience consistency. And now let's use rituals to help build belonging and cohesion with our family during those tough times. And maybe it's finding a way to creatively celebrate a milestone or a holiday, or recreating a ritual that we used to do when our kids were younger. So rituals are just another powerful tool that can help our families experience togetherness during conflict or stress. And so I think about the idea of the ritual of in the morning, no matter what time, and sometimes it was very early on, my children would crawl into bed in the morning, and we would just, you know, we would just snuggle or we would just lay there and go back to sleep or, you know, whatever. But that became a ritual. That was a safe pla e to create belonging and coh sion. And just the other nig t, my youngest daughter, who s 15, came home, and I had see something on social media tha I knew would be very imp ctful and hard for her. And I w s already in bed and my light were still on. I was kind of wa ting for her because I was wonde ing what was going to happen ab ut this. And yes, she walked in my room and immediately began o sob, crawled in my bed. And I ust got to hold her as she c ied about this, you know, t is event that had happened. And so that idea that it was a rit al, like, in the mornings, the come into my room, and we have this time to have togetherness and build belonging, and th n this tough thing that she fo nd out about at 15, at 16. Yea, that's where she went, back t my bed. And back to that feelin of belonging. This is a sa e place.

Mackenzie Johnson: 29:06

Yes. And the meaning and the safety and the connection and oh, that's so good. And some of them are this deeply rooted. At the time, it was just like, okay, yeah, come climb in my bed. Yeah. You know, and then on this day, it's like, come here. I know you're having a hard time.

Lori Korthals: 29:29

Yeah, I knew she would struggle with it and so I left my light on and I sat up in my bed, and I was just waiting for her because I knew that this was really hard news for her to hear. There's our ritual to build belonging that is not a normal example, right? Yes, there's not.

Mackenzie Johnson: 29:48

There's not a one way and yeah, we talked about that bedtime in our house can be kind of a ritual. I've actually had to kind of let go at the stage and the temperament that my kids are at, I've had to kind of let go of trying so hard to make supper time a ritual, which you have talked me through. I have these like really strong feelings about, you eat at the table. And my kids, just like the ages they are, their temperament. And sometimes it's a tough time of day. They're hungry, like hangry. Yeah. And so I've had to kind of let go of like, this is supposed to be fun. This is supposed to be cheery. This is supposed to be a ritual, and you know what, maybe someday it will. But I was kind of shaming myself around, this is how it's supposed to be and that's not how I feel. And especially, that can be a time of day where I feel very irritable because I'm overstimulated, and it was just like, okay. Maybe I need to let that go. Yeah, all right. What if it's just a routine, like, gotta eat?

Lori Korthals: 30:54

Yes, yes. And here's the beauty of the word you used earlier. You can let that go. You don't have to. Not that you shouldn't. But you can.

Mackenzie Johnson: 31:07

Yes. No, should or shouldn't, but like your shouldn't. Okay, what makes sense for us, all of us as a family. And sometimes that means prioritizing myself, right? Sometimes it's prioritizing my kids. Sometimes it's prioritizing myself. And it's just like, there's all these beautiful and sometimes complicated, like, yeah, rituals and routines, but yeah, that they, we can use them to create consistency. And we can use them to create connection. Absolutely. So good.

Lori Korthals: 31:39

I think then brings us to our Stop. Breathe. Talk. space in our episode. And usually we bring in our producer Mackenzie DeJong. She's still with us today in the background. But this season, we have been bringing in our writer, Barb Dunn Swanson. And she has been sharing her insight because resilience is something that she has passion in talking about, and you know, just a vision for how to share it with you. So I have a question for you, Barb. What are you thinking?

Barb Dunn Swanson: 32:17

It's been a routine, you've asked me the same question, routine. So what am I thinking? I'm thinking that I want to go back to our discussion on relationships. You just told gave us an example of a tough situation at your house, Lori, and your daughter at 15 still came to you for emotional support. And one episode that we did on relationships during our resilience season, we talked about how no matter the age, our children still look to us as parents for that emotional connection and support. And I had to stop right when I heard that example and be sure and bring that up. That you provided that connection that she needed back to Ginsburg Cs. She needed emotional connection with her mama. And you provided that so that was good. But that's not what I really wanted to talk about. We just had to say it, had to say it. I wanted to talk about those three Cs that we mentioned today, the communication and the commitment, and then the continuity. And the reason I wanted to specifically bring those up again, is because how important they are so that the ritual and the routine become effective. You see, when we think about young kids and their ages and stages, we can't expect more from them than their age will developmentally allow. But in order for a routine to be effective, we might have to be the communicator. And so we can't expect kids to read our mind. So we're communicating what it is about this routine that got interrupted. Why didn't we get to go to the birthday party this year? We always go to birthday parties. What do you mean, we're not going this year. So we communicate why in words that are manageable, so that they can understand that. Not overtelling and oversharing but just communicating and not in ways that are scary, but just in ways that help kids see that you know what, we're a little bit different during this tough time. Yes. So then I think about the commitment. The commitment we have to make as adults to intentionally continue either creating a new ritual or providing that routine when we know it's best for our kids. Yeah, we know ttat kids need structure. We know that they do best when they know what to expect. So it's up to me as the adult to commit to that structure for their sake and for the sake of the family.

Mackenzie Johnson: 35:23

Yeah. And whatever that structure looks like. Yeah.

Barb Dunn Swanson: 35:26

Without blame. Yes. Without judgment. Your structure is much different than Lori's and is a very different than mine. And all of those are important. Yes. Awesome. And then the last one, that continuity. That's the piece that ritualistically happens over time. Throughout the generations, how does that happen? Because we commit to it continually. So the continuity of whatever it is we choose to do, that we celebrate that and that we intentionally continue the practice. I was just even, you know, we talked as we were getting ready today about kids getting outside. And for a whole year, we couldn't go to the park. Yes. What do you mean, the park is closed? There's no doors. How could it close? Well, it was unhealthy to go to the park. But now we can go back to the park, things are opening up little by little. And so we can get back out, we go to the park. And so now it's those conversations that you know what, we're going to continue to do some of the things that we remember having so much fun doing. And so just celebrating those opening times again, but again, communicating and then committing to these routines and rituals with our families. You know, we're going to come out of this resilient, we really will. Yes.

Mackenzie Johnson: 36:59

I love that too. Thanks so much, Barb. I think back to those seven Cs that you brought up. And yeah, as we think, you know, this whole season is kind of around Rs, right? Resilience, risk and protective, ritual routine, but the seven Cs of resilience and yeah, that the rituals provide a sense of connection, which is one of our seven Cs of how can we raise resilient kids.

Lori Korthals: 37:26

Well, you really should say them like we haven't given you a chance this episode.

Mackenzie Johnson: 37:29

Oh, do you want me to say them? I'll say them.

Lori Korthals: 37:31

Do the jingle. Right. Okay. Do the jingle.

Mackenzie Johnson: 37:34

Competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping, control. Okay. Yeah, those are the seven Cs. I know you guys are so glad I have them memorized and I can sing them to you. Um, but I do. The rituals really are like a huge point of connection. So as we think about resilience. And our routines are also a way that we can help give our kids control. Right? That sense of consistency in that I know what to expect from the world. And when we need to change them up when things are hard, right? Like, okay, now suddenly, this parent's job is going to be on the overnight shift, or going to be working later than they used to or whatever. Alright, we're going to need to shift some routines around, but that they have a sense of, we can give them a sense of control through those routines too. So rituals and resilience and routines. And R and R and R.

Barb Dunn Swanson: 38:31

It all fits together. It all fits together.

Lori Korthals: 38:37

Thank you so much, Barb,

Barb Dunn Swanson: 38:38

You're welcome.

Mackenzie Johnson: 38:40

We love having you hop in here. Yeah. So that's our little Stop. Breathe. Talk. space, kind of based on our flagship parenting strategy of like, stopping, slowing down to recognize the emotions that we have, and taking that breath to get reregulated. And then speaking with intention, and so we just love to take that little moment here towards the end of our podcast. Let's bring all this back to the big picture. Let's recognize the direction we're headed and the direction that we want to go with this topic and in our parenting. Yeah, yeah. So we did talk about routines and rituals today. This kind of wraps it up. The routines are very functional. You know, they're the things that we've just got to do. And the rituals are a lot more about the meaning behind them. Sometimes they overlap, and sometimes they're different. And sometimes we don't even know which things our kids are going to look back on and remember fondly. It might be the meerkats.

Lori Korthals: 39:40

It might be the meerkats, it might be the meerkats, you just never know.

Mackenzie Johnson: 39:44

Yes. And so but just that these are tools, things that we can lean into and utilize when times are tough in our parenting, you know, if we're looking for more consistency, are there some routines we can develop or change out or whatever. And you know when we need some family connections, some kind of family ritual can be a really powerful thing to help create that belonging.

Lori Korthals: 40:06

We can and recognizing that no one ritual or routine looks the same for everyone. No, no, they're all different. They're all different. So thank you for joining us today on The Science of Parenting podcast. And remember to subscribe to our weekly audio podcasts on Apple, Spotify, or your favorite podcast app. Watch the show on video each week and join us on Facebook or Twitter, at the scienceofparents. And you can see our content in your feed.

Mackenzie Johnson: 40:39

Sure can and make sure that you do come back next week, because we're gonna be talking about rules. How do rules and expectations fit into this idea of tough times? Yeah, we'll tell you. So please do come along with us as we tackle the ups and downs, the ins and outs, and the research and reality all around The Science of Parenting.

Anthony Santiago: 41:01

The Science of Parenting is hosted by Lori Korthals and Mackenzie Johnson, produced by Mackenzie DeJong, with research and writing by Barbara Dunn Swanson. Send in questions and comments to parenting@iastate.edu and connect with us on Facebook and Twitter. This institution is an equal opportunity provider. For the full non-discrimination statement or accommodation inquiries go to www.extension.iastate.edu/diversity/ext